pilih mana snips atau snaps?

halo... kmaren gue meneriman sms dr seorang co yg mencari mamanya? cukup terkejut dan membuat diri gue jadi ilfeel ama co itu sih. dan setelah dianalisa oleh ade gue, hasilnya tambah membuat gue ilfeel. hmm..akhir2 ini kegiatan gue adalah membungkus kado, bermain bulutangkis di depan rumah tetangga, karena lebih sepi dan lebih teduh (the grass is always greener on the other side.red) dan membantu pr2 ade gue -_-... oh iya my mum menyuruh gue nemenin beliau daftar senam. gue ampe udah dibeliin celana senamnya segala, padahal gue blom daftar dan blom nentuin mau ikut yg mana?
so please help me out guys... pilihannya ada 2: jazz exercise atau power yoga... terus terang gue sih pingin yoga, tapi ade gue blg yg jazz exercise ajah biar cepet kurus.. oh membingungkan sekali ya memilih senam itu...payah payah..kalo gue ambil 2nya gue nggak punya waktu buat ngerjain yg lain -_-...
oh iya ada satu lagi dilema gue... taun depan gue ngambil electives apa ya... Photography ato berbagai studio workshop design lainnya? lalu gue kudu ngambil art theory yg mana ya yg kira2 less boring dr yg lainnya? huhuhuhuhu dessicion dessicion dessicion...

i don't know what this one should be called

hi everyone, actually i just woke up. it's 7 am and i rushed to get online. why? to check if all my grades are in.... and it did....huh (sigh). and i'm happy, i did well this semester. ouw..but before we moved on i'd better tell you that i'm an underachiever so my grades not really that good, but it's enough for me. i'm aiming it one step of the time. just hope i won't pick a difficult electives next year huhuhuhuhuu..hmm... come to think of it, i wonder if my grades are really really good, will i become snobby? or will i stay the same and keep aiming, keep learning? oh well, no point in guessing what has not happened...
hmm..berhubung gue baru bangun tidur, jadi gue pake bahasa indo ajah ya...gue seneng bgt kmaren nonton Upstairs di senoritar huhuhuhuhuhu...komedi sekali...pas pertama kali mereka main cuman instrument doank gue suka bgt, soalnya gaya2nya kayak daft punk, eh ternyata ada vocalisnya. pertamanya sih sedikit kecewa, soalnya gayanya freak abis, campuran antara andre 3000 ama prince, yup prince...jadi rada2 G gitu terlebih lagi krn dia kurus...huhuhuhuhu... tapi pas dia ngomong...ternyata lebih freak lagi huahahahahahaha..... yg jelas gue ngefans ama Upstairs bukan krn bandnya bagus (terus terang gue nggak ngerti mereka mainin lagu apa.red), tapi karena vocalisnya komedi..huhuhuhu... ntar gue mau nonton Upstairs lagi ah di PL Fair huhuhuhuuhu....
oh iya gue lagi hepi nih soalnya lagi banyak dapet tiket gratisan ... pertama dapet tiket gratis ke senoritar (acara pensi anak tar-q), kedua dapet tiket gratis nonton acaranya kedutaan spanyol, ketiga dapat tiket gratis ke PL Fair...huhuhuhu... udah gitu bisa ketemu upstairs lagi... senang sekali. iya2 gue tau they are not the greatest shows tapi gue seneng ajah, soalnya setidaknya gue ada kerjaan summer ini, weks...summer? berhub gue lagi di jakarta mungkin harusnya gue ngomong musim hujan ini kali ya huhuhuhuhuu...

grades

yup my grades are up on the web... i'm a bit dissappointed at first..but after i calculated my gpa.. i'm quite happy, no not quite i'm very happy, satisfied that i've reach my target huhuhuhuhuhu...i know..i know..i'm underachiever. but the important part is for me, i'm progressing, it's slow..but i'm getting there.

can't stop whining...

it's been a long time since my last blog, i've been busy... ada banyak hal yg pining gue ceritain. pertama, all this time my i've been having trouble in the study departement, my parents keep saying don't give up, they think i'm giving up my study, but the truth is the other way around. my problem is i'm not giving up, it seems that i dunno when to give up and move on and when to keep trying, because i nearly there... my bad highschool experience keep haunting me, i can't get it off my head, no matter what i tried to do. i never thought 1 failure could do this much damage. i've lost my self confindece...
yg kedua, hari ini gue buka2 friendster...surprisingly gue ketemu teman2 sd gue...huhuhuhu mukanya berubah semua, udah pada dewasa bgt, sementara muka gue masih tetep terlihat culun. not just their face changes that i've notice, but they also put their pics with their bf. they look great together, their not the cutest couples but it seems that they fit each other perfectly. meanwhile i'm still on my own as always. what happend to ian you asked? i dunno? i guess he lost interest in me. anyway, i don't have a picture of me stading beside a man in my head. or have i completely lost my confidence of finding that 'someone'? even my little sis has one. hmmm... -_-

run little miss K, run...

it's been almost a month that K hide herself in her tiny apartemen. she doesn't want to see anyone, except her auntie. she didn't speak to anyone in class... and surprisingly no one care to asked what's going on? or what's wrong? i tried to asked but, she just smiled and said, 'oh.. nothing.. just lack of sleep i guess.' i knew that she lied, but why? i haven't seen her smiled in a while, she keeps avoiding people, but why?
me and K is not a closed friend, but it doesn't take a genious to know something's wrong with her. i just wish i can help her... it seem like she doen't not know how to trust again...

untitled 2

hari ini rasanya pusing sekali... gue tdk bisa membawa diri, rasanya pingin ngumpet di ujung dunia... masih kesel, knp org2 egois semua, why can't they just leave me alone... giliran gue udah reda amarahnya selalu saja ada yg membuat gue kembalii marah2 sebal... lagi sedang tidak bisa mengendalikan emosi...

v update

hellow, i finally can get myself together...
this couple of days i had the thoughtest mental test so far... damn, it's so hard to fair... in one hand i wanna be truly, and brutally honest, but on the other hand i gotta be fair as well, which mean there are somethings that are not meant to be said...
huh...

a piece of me

i have just discover something about me. all i need now is to build a new defense mechanism to retain my existence as valcory...

i have always moved away from the crowd just for the sake of experience...
all this time deep in my heart i already knew what was going to happen to me, and thats why i'm so restless all the time, but i can't help it, i need to have that experience...
that's what drives me into doing what i'm doing today... chasing something that i already knew i can't have. so what do you think of me now? stupid, dumb, dodol, bego, bold? maybe all of them, but hey, as i sat down this morning writing my discovery i felt relieve that i've found another 'piece' of me.

mad

i know i can't stay like this forever
i know i gotta put all of this behind me and concentrate on my study
i know i shouldn't give a damn about those guys
but i can't..i can't ....
i wanna moved on but its all too much for me to bear...
i'm only 20 and everyone already pointing fingers at me and treated me like i'm some sort of criminal without wanting to know the reason behind it all

the truth hurts

today was supposed to be a happy day, at least that was my expectations. boy...i was wrong in so many ways. i'm tired because i haven't had a good night sleep. i know i'm rushing all of my assignment just b4 it's due. but i can handle those stuff if i didn't have any emotional burden. i'm sorry readers, this time i can't spill it out, not even with codes.

anyhoo, today i saw a 'predator' with a cute face, a slick, an eel with an innocent face. i wonder if anyone noticed her, or is it just me. what she did in class today, shocked me. i can't really describe my feelings..but yuks....ough... ih.... to be honest it scared the ***** out of me. i gotta watch my back more carefully now...

and another thing, i finally asked the question i've always wanted to asked for a few weeks. and when i finally did, to be honest, i didn't like the answer. well... then again i got i high expectations. i gotta stop day dreaming... too many dissappointment in one day...

nightmare

i had the worst nightmare ever. it's really strange i was going to this place, at first i think i was going to seaworld, but then the sea creatures they had in there were sea monters, they look horrible. there was this one aquarium that u couldn't see the glass at all, it looks as if the fish with the sharp teeth were hanging in the air, i thought it was going to bite me when i ran across it, but someone told me not to worry because there were glasses surround it. and then all of the sudden i was face with the yucky looking squid's tentacles, and someone was admiring it. i tried so hard to recognise who that person was, when all of the sudden someone called to look at the crocs cage, and when i turn around that person whose calling me lifted me up and throwed me to the crocs cage. at that time it felt so real, i can feel the blood rushing to my head, and then stop for a couple of second, i couldn't move my body. but then strange thing happen, in my mind i realised that it was just a dream, and i should open my eyes and everything will be alright, i'm home in my blue room and should be scream so that my parents or my sister would woke me up. but when i tired to scream nothing came out of me, it was only silence, but my mouth was open, not long after that i open my eyes for real... and there i was gazing at the dark in my apartement, i'm still in brisbane and i'm alone... is this what the rest of my life going to be? alone all by myself?

i'm just an outsider

has anyone ever read that book,'the outsiders'? i haven't, and i got this funny feeling just now, that i oughta read that book. probably because i've been introduce to a new group that i couldn't fit in to... well, i could fit in 4 years ago, but not today, i've grown up now. they're nice kids, but my time is over. (how old am i again?) huahahahaha.... my life time experiences have made it easier for me to fit in with ppl whose older than me, not younger. probably because hangin' out with younger ppl has this weird effect on me, it sort of made me feel superior, and i'm avoiding that superior feeling.

and once again i got a confession to make, to N i've lied to you, i'm so sorry... last night when u called me, i didn't told you the truth, because i can't, it'll only make things worse. and i'm not sure u can handle the truth either, ppl only wanna hear what they want to hear N. and i figure it's best if u don't know it, but if you really wanna know, i'll give you a hint : 'BLOGS'. yup read them carefully, and maybe u'll understand why am i being so reluctant. i also know the chances are so small that you're gonna read my blog... but there's not nothing wrong with hoping that someday u'll know the truth.... (about cats and dog.red)

oh last sat, i went out with a good friend of mine, i've known her for a year, but i just get to know her last sat. anyway the bottom line is i've just realised that her imperfections made me appriciate her. i've grown more respect on her. maybe because i'm such a troubled kid, it has that effect on me.

noweher to hide, nowhere to run....

i feel like a lost child today, not because i lost my way in one of brisbane's suburb again, but i feel i like i don't have anyone, i don't belong to any group, i feel like i never been a part of the crowd, just feel alone and extremely sad, extremely worried. all this time i've been hiding it under all the jokes and all of those silly things i've done, but the truth is i'm not as 'happy' as u guys think i am. i am not 'well preserved' i've been expose to the 'aliran sesat'. (what am i saying?)

i think i've drinking too many of those experimental wine for my product design assignment. which taste very yucky, ugh....

thank you little miss slyphi

i hate to admit it but, i miss u mr.a... and i hate to admit that i have wrong fully acused u, i'm so sorry.

and i would like to say thank you to my little friend slyphi, thank you for bringing those other point of views. once again i owe u.

nothing exciting happened today, except for those horrible phone line accident. anyway, i'm so glad that mr.a finally resolve his probs, now can i have u for myself (how selfish of me.red)?

an old man in every bus stop

i'm in the mood of symbolism right now... (i guess if mr.doug ever read this piece, he would probably says,'isn't it a little too late for that?' or probably, 'i think it's about time, valcory.') huahahahahaha... anyway first symbolism in short sort of miserable life (just kidding.red) is i've noticed since i lost who i thougt was my 'bestbud', in most time whenever i'm late and alone in the bus stop, there's always an middle aged man or sometimes a middle ages woman whose opened up a convers with me. for me this symbolize that God is looking after me in every step i take, in every move i make (sounds familiar? i took it from i'll be missing u, hahahahaha.red).

the other thing i wanted to mentioned in this blog is karma... i never trully believe in karma, it never sink in my heart. i never do or try to hurt some1 simply because i know what's it like getting hurt, not because someday it'll come back to me. but recently i noticed whenever i got a huge prob, that made me 'bombay' for a couple of days, usually i always get a huge 'rejeki' as well. weird huh?

of for those of u who read this i wanna appologise in advanced if i ever in the future hurt ur feelings with my so called famous sudden mood change. i dunno how to control it, it might have been seen as if i didn't try hard enough but believe me i'm doing all the best i could (i've lost my 'bestbud' because of this, and i'm surely don't wanna loose any in the future, so believe me i'm trying hard.red). anyway about the sudden mood change, it happened again today. i was supposed to go to this dance party with some friends, but i cancelled in the last minutes, because i dunno what happened to me today, i was quite happy when i woke up this morning, i was still happy when i prepared my 'ayam kalasan' lunch, tapi tiba2 nggak ada petir nggak ada badai, i cried the whole afternoon, just b4 i went to school. luckily my eyes went back to normal state when i arraived at school. i used to have someone near me i could talk to but now, i guess i have to learned to keep it for myself. and just now, i chat with my auntie, my dad's little sister, she said my father is sick, he forced himselpf to go to work today, and a doctor just finished checking my dad at home. i wanna called my mom but i'll probably wait until my tears dry. i know it's unbelieveable, but i'm very much attached to my family. all those tears this afternoon was because of my father is sick. . .

clueless

oh..i would be lying if i said nothing wrong with me... it's not a big problem, but it bothered my mind quite a bit. and the good news is i got a hints yesterday on how i should handle it. the keyword is 'i wont do that to someone i like'. now i guess i know or am i assuming that .... doesn't like me. or .... never like me since ... is always sort of away, and i'm not getting the 'msg' all this time. sure need some clarification! how tragic!

okay let's moved on to the good news, my friend Denath is getting married... how exciting, but i can't come though, she's getting married in a mosque near my house on the 13th this month. yesterday when Soleh called me to tell me the news, i was sort of thinking maybe i don't belong here in bne, i belong in jkt, because i was so excited when i heard the news that she was geeting married in a mosque near my house. i was imagining what's the deco will look like, the food, all those kebayas that ppl will wear... to be honest i love jkt despite the weather, the rudeness of its ppl, not to mention traffic jam, all those traditional betawi. and i wa hoping i could restore that. and all of the sudden i don't wanna get PR! and most important of all i wanna go home to my family (mom and dad and my sis, and my grandparents).

speaking of my sisters, yesterday when i went to ekka with vivi and her sister yoana, i was quite because i missed my sisters, i know ruci will love to go because of the showbags and rari will love all those spongebob stuff that hanging around the showbags area. it kinda make me realised that i need them. they're my best friends.

silly little things does count

last sat i went to ekka, most ppl think it is pretty lame, but as always i slightly disagree with them. i think it's quite fun. if look at it at a different angles. i always like the classic part of ekka. it's like the modern version of indonesian pasar kaget hahahaha... and i love showbags more hahahahaha.....

i know i should start research on my assignments, but there is other thing came into my mind. i don't like how i being treated by someone lately. and if i'm the younger version of valcory, that person is dead meat, meaning don't expect me to be nice to that person. but years went by and i grown up, i realised i was being my grandfather (sgt kaku dlm bersosialisasi.red). and now, i'm faced with the same prob, only this time a part of me don't wanna loose this person, but a part of me wanna stays the way i am when i was younger. so i'm still not sure what should i do for the time being.

runaway student

today felt very weird, i feel like i wanna be left alone, i'm more comfrotable being by myself. but the funny thing is i didn't feel lonely in the crowed. i don't feel like talking, i only wanna listen. i don't wanna throw some jokes. and as my class ended, i feel like i wanna run home. as if my feet were walking by themself with out my brain commanding them to walk home ...(actually i was walking so fast it felt like i was half running).

i finally load my pics on my comp, not bad, i dunno how u all feell but i think it is still pretty dull to me, no emotion, and i'm out of focus. but i'm quite happy. ... -_-

it's easier said than done

i know as a writer i critized many things, i seem to have always got an opinion on every issues. but as time went on, i've come to realised that a lot of the things i've wrote is easier said than done and to be honest i don't know what's it like to be in that position until i personally experienced it. this is kinda embarassing, but i gotta to admit that some of what i wrote are not entirely valid, and things are not always black and white, there are also the grey area that i've never been able to tackle.

still continuing on those betrayal issues, it kinda forced me to grew up (some of u might remember that i've once said, 'i don't wanna grow up'. but after i've been betrayed by an immature person, it change my whole horizon.red). and at the end, i still in contact with that person, i dunno why, but my feelings said that person might come handy one day... some day

anyway, i'm in QCA right now, i still got an afternoon class ;(, i know i've made a promise to myself i will go back to that geeky side of me, so i can boost up my GPA. and as i said b4 it's easier said than done -_-.... because now i wanna run home and got some sleep ...

what would u do if...

it's been a quite a while since i wrote my last blog. well, that's because nothing happen during those times, but a lot of things did came to my mind, but i'm just too lazy to wrote it down hehehe...
i really miss my dad, well all this time i can say that i'm really close to my mum, she's my best friend, but the thing with what happen between me and my dad it's so funny, perhaps a bit bizzare because i'm the exact replica of my dad. the things he went through when he was young, i'm living it right now. weird huh? i guess i lately i became more and more dependent to my dad. i'm capable of making decision for myself, but i always called my dad every weekend just to justified the things i've done this week, trying to make sure if made the right move.
maybe a lot of u had noticed that i'm more quite lately, some of u had asked why, but i never gave a serious answer, i didn't give any actually. it's simple, it's because i got nothing to talk about lately. i've come to realised that i always talk about the same thing over and over again. i'm sorry if i've made u guys bored.
oh i almost forgot to mention what i i wrote on today's title, what would u do if ur friend betrayed u? and talked behind ur back? i guess ur normal reaction is to stay away from him/her, right? but what about all of his/her kindnes to u? surely there must have some sweet memories between u and that friend? and surely u must've owe him/her something as friends often help each other. should we put that aside and let the fact that his/her betrayal took over the friendship?
i tried asking this question to a couple of ppl, and one of the answer shocked me, : 'valcory, i think u're thinking too deep. what if that person whose betrayed u didn't think about u. why should u think about them? don't let urself be driven by others.'
i guess now i know that the world is not as beautiful as i imagine.

mixed feeling

1st day of school: as usuall, i was shock (i think i'm always shock) when they handed in the course hand book. on the other hand i'm also happy because i move on to the next level....

"from the moment i saw u, i knew i can count on u"

beberapa hari ini, semenjak kepergian Taew gue emang agak sendu, gue bener2 ngerasa kesepian. kesepian karena sekarang gue ngerasa gue nggak punya role model lagi, seseorang yg lebih dewasa, seorg teman yg blod enough buat ngasih tau gue mana yg benar dan mana yg salah. seorg teman yg nggak sekedar pointing finger at me kalo gue salah, tapi dia juga ngasih tau gue bagaimana cara memperbaikinya. she's only been gone for a week and i miss her already hiks... and the saddest part is gue nggak tau kapan kita bisa ketemu lagi. Taew balik ke Bangkok for good, sedangkan gue masih punya 1.5 th lagi di bne, mungkin juga lebih lama dari itu.
kalo dipikir2 agak aneh, waktu itu gue blom kenal Taew, cuman gue sering liat di bus, setiap kali gue ngeliat dia, i have this strange feeling that i can trust her and we're gonna be close. ternyata bener, she's been like a big sister to me. u can call me strange, tapi gue bisa tau mana org yg bakal cocok ama gue dan mana yg nggak, just by looking at them. i don't believe myself at first, i used to say to myself whenever i got this strange feeling when i met someone, 'don't judge book by its cover'. and i used to ignored that strange feeling, but it always ended up in disputes. so now that i'm older and wiser i'm not gonna ignored those strange feeling again.
and all this time the feeling that u're gonna just 'click' with someone hanya datang dari diri gue ajah. gue nggak nyangka someone actually get that feeling when he 1st saw me. terus terang gue seneng, i'm overwhelm with what he said. don't get me wrong, gue nggak mendua. mungkin krn gue merasa kehilangan krn kepergian Taew dan 'peristiwa itu' yg dng secara tidak sengaja gue membaca sebuah article yg makin membuat gue merasa sendirian di bne, jadi kata2 diatas itu kayaknya berarti bgt buat gue. it kinda boost my confidence, krn setelah 'peristiwa itu' gue merasa i had a bad personality, but i'm wrong i'm not bad, neither does that person i'm having a dispute with. the explaination is simple: we just didn't 'click'.

iPod, that guy at the dance party and an old friend of mine

now that i don't have any music while i'm walking around, i felt even more alone than i had ever before (hiperbola.red). i'm so used to having my discman whenever i leave home, now i'm gonna have to improvised or get used to no music. i did some window shopping yesterday, and i think i'm falling in love with iPod, that 20GB pearl white iPod. but it's expensive, luckily i found a store that can do a 'lay by' for an iPod, great it last for 3 months, that's ok, better than no music at all, right?

this weekend has been great, nothing to complaint about. i go to a dance party, that was actually very lame, but since i went out with my friends, i had a good time. if u're thinking that because i met a guy there. u're partly wrong. yes i met a guy, but he's my old friend from my old college. we haven't seen and talk to each other for such a long time. it felt a bit weird because some of my friends that went out with me the didn't know about the history between me and him, they sort of saying to me, 'kamu cocok berdua.' i've been hearing a lot of those when we're still hanging out together. it felt weird because, he's less annoying. and despite what ppl said about us, we're just friends, i got my ian, he got his 'girlfriend to be' (masih pdkt, and he won't tell me her name.red).

i was going to write something, but after i thought about it. if i wrote it down, i might hurt someone's feeling, eventhough that is not my intention. the bottom line is, i'm not alone, i still got some friends, eventhough they're miles away.

pass

finally my grades are up on the web >_<, i survive the my 1st semester in uni. my grades are not exactly the grades everyone would've want to but i'm happy (hey, afterall i got no achievement motivation). u can call me crazy, i don't care. i'm happy just the way my grades are. (to maxi, maybe u're right about me being a bit 'P' hahaha). i believe that there are more things in life than just ur grades in uni. (what a lame excuse.red)
i haven't done anything lately. my mind was occupied by the idea of 'Tuhan ingin kita mempunyai pasangan hidup yang sepadan dan seimbang.' hmm... it certainly need a lot of thinking....

grateful

saturday
i was still sad last saturday, but my mom called, she said that i gotta distract my mind by cleaning up my apt. well, it works. after that it's bubble bath time. senang sekali akhirnya bisa menikmati bubble bath, johnson's babby milk bath, baunya enak bgt, udah gitu sambil dengerin maroon 5. i feel like all my troubles are gone begitu denger track 8, Sunday Morning. lyricnya simple tapi gue sukaaa bgt....

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
That someday it would bring me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
And you may not know

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow?

dan seperti biasa my mind lsg wondering kesana kemari, trying to imagine, what if that happens to me, trying to imagine that i'm the girl on that lyric hehehehe >_<

monday
i was still half asleep when i know that greece had won. there's a greek club near my apt, and usually everytimes greece won greek ppl would honk in the traffic light infront of my apt. so i don't have to watch it in the telly.
i went to taew's house today, and i'm sad again. she's going back to bangkok this friday. to be honest i don't want her to leave, she's been like a big sister to me. i can talk to her about anything, i just couldn't imagine myself not being able to talk to her again. suddenly i felt so alone, i got no place to go, no place utk ngadu. sedih sekali rasanya, khususnya setelah peristiwa itu, dimana gue akhirnya menyadari bahwa sebenarnya gue bukan org yg easy to get along with, dan sekarang temanku hrs pergi meninggalkan ku sendiri.
i didn't thought i would be this sad, i thought shrek can distract my mind, so i went on the citycat and get off at southbank. the funny thing is whenever i'm travelling by myself, there's always someone yg ngajak ngobrol, a stranger. today di citycat i met an indonesian man, he's on a government scholarship, he's been living on a tight bugdet (to be honest, keadaan dia itu completely my opposite). i could say he practically got nothing, but he's happy. he's constantly saying how lucky he is and he's so grateful that GOD had give all this to him. to be honest i was puzzled at first, i just couldn't understand. and i'm a shame of myself, i just broke my discman and i was swearing like hell. i got everything i need, and still i want more (but not i terms of material, what i have in mind is a person) someone that i could talk to, that would accept me the way i am, someone i could relate to. but i do realise that i'm asking too much, i do realise that it got to start from me 1st. i should be grateful with what i have right now.

life's a wheel, i heard it so many times, but it never really sink in my brain. well, not until this very moment. as i listen to Alicia Keys CD whilst still trying to figured out what's missing in my life i kinda realise that i've got everything i need. i got a loving family, i still got some friends (although its not many), i got bf that i still need to get to know of, i got a couple of my childhood dreams that already came true. and came to think of it, this time of the year 2 years ago i was so devastated, and now i feel like i'm okay, i'm enjoying life.

me 1st and the gimmies gimmies

i'm not sure if i spell that correctly, it's a band, and got nothing to do with my today's entry. the week i've been waiting for for the last 2 months finally came and go. i've waited for so long, i even thought those days will never came, and when those days finally came, it went on so fast.
these last week i've been very busy, busy with myself, busy trying to make myself happy, but it seems all that i've got right now didn't satisfy me. something's missing in my life, and i don't know what it is?

i woke up very late, udah gitu dng sore throats lagi, parah sekali, tapi seneng sih, soalnya begitu liat hp udah ada yg sms. huhuhu paling seneng dapet sms pagi2. hari ini nggak ngapai2n sih cuman nyuci bed sheets, terus perpanjang kontrak apartement abis itu jjs (jalan2 sore), sambil wondering si muka kura2 lagi ngapain ya?
hari ini rutenya ke campus (rencananya mau ngambil hasil, cuman blom ada), terus nyebrang good will bridge, terus terang kayaknya gue setuju sama Vivi (vivi pernah bilang pengendara speda di good will bridge itu suka seenaknya)! dan akhirnya gue mampir Borders, toko buku fave, dan seperti biasa ke rak komik ngecheck Chobits udah keluar no.7 apa blom, abis itu mojok di bag design and fashion.
gue paling seneng ke toko buku kayak Borders, kalo di Jakarta itu yg bentuknya seperti QB jl. sunda dan Aksara yg di kemang. org2 udah tau sih valcory itu suka ngilang di toko buku, dan jgn cari gue sampe gue nyari loe hahahaha... biasanya gue itu suka ngider di bagian art (design, photography, etc), crafts, dan percaya nggak percaya bag. buku anak2 hahahaha... kadang di bag literature sih kalo lagi in serious mood.

i'm feeling a lot better today, i feel relieve because i've talked to the right people. right as in they were being objective about the problems i've been having, they've pointed put to me where did i go wrong and right. and i know i've offended someone, but i've already said 'i'm sorry'. got to admit though it's hard saying those words, I'M SORRY, it took a lot of courage for me to finally say it, and it feel so much better once those words are spoken (exhaling -_-, i did it).
i went to the coast with my friend today, our first intention was to go shopping, but since we haven't talked to each other for such a long time, so we spent most of our time just sitting on the beach and chatt >_<. it's really nice to know that u still have someone to share eventhough u don't see them everyday. it's really nice to know that someone is also praying for you. it's really nice to know that someone will support u when u're right and shut u up when u're wrong.

i'm not getting better, it's getting worst!!!!! and the ironic part is it's all my fault!!! someone BT gara2 gue lagi BT, yeah right!!!! it's all my fault. gosh, i guess i'm a very bad person!!! it's the price of being very young, very angry and very bold!!!
at times like these i wish my best friend is here, my mom. she always know what to do to fixed things up. and i feel like i disappointed her, she always say to me, never to expect anyone to understand you. but i did, i did expect my friends to understand me, because i thought if i tried to understand them, they would tried to understand me, but i was wrong and my mom is right. or maybe they've tried to understand me, but they just can't because i'm such a complex person and it's hard to keep paste with me.
nobody can understand me, what did i do wrong? i've never asked any of my friends to change their personalities, why do you guys wanna change mine?

i woke up quite early this morning, hooray >_<. but i'm still not in the good mood, to be honest! i'm tired being nice. i'm tired getting hurt, i've done caring for others cos it's obvious to me now that they don't give a damn about me. i know.. i'm being too extreme here.
don't know where that happy little valcory goes, i haven't seen her this last couple of days. i've definitely gotta go out more. gotta get a life, gotta have some adventures, gotta think back the things i've done and hope that i'm not gonna repeat the same mistakes in the future.
in the mean time, i gotta get ready, it's a girls night out tonight, so c ya... hope i'm feeling a lot better the next time i write a blog >_<

today i learn that as you grow older there are things that better left unspoken and that frightens me. my greatest fear is if i'm unable to speak my mind. i think i owe an appology to someone, i'm really sorry for being such an annoying person this last 2 days, please watch HP3 with SOC and don't worry about me, i can watch it with my sisters.
i'm a bit disappointed today because once again, i can't get my hands on the things that i've longing to have, the thing that i think could help in boosting my career and the worst part is i don't have a plann B! hmm... (sigh) -_-
now i'm worried, what my life's gonna be? will i get a job once i graduate? where should i live, Jakarta or Brisbane? and i'm affraid if i'm not gonna be able to coupe with all this. alright enough, this thinking made my head dizzy!!!

i guess i better make a list of the things i ought to do this holiday:
1. read Thinking Creatively
2. meet Agnes
3. black and white photo experiment
4. swimming in the middle of winter
5. photo session with Angiverl
6. return Erick's book
7. CityCat adventure
8. cut my hair (to Ian, aku cuma mau ngerapiin bawahnya kok)
9. meet Phia
10. bake muffins with Angiverl
11. membalas surat2 penggemar >_<

and my plan for christmas holiday is to meet:
1. Ian
2. Maria and Pade
3. Mia
4. Soleh and Dora
5. Findi
6. Alvin
hmm, who else? yg jelas sih gue kalo bisa, sebisa mungkin nggak ketemu ama those bloody 'hippos'!!!!

hoah...-_- z..z.. today is the last day of my 1st semester in QCA, i can't believe this, time does went on so fast! soon it'll be the last day of my 1st year in QCA and then it'll be my 21st b-day. i felt that i haven't achieve anything in my life. yesterday when we held an SOC uplate, Angiverl told us that she got another freelance job, and i thought ... gosh, look at u valcory, u're going to be 21 soon and u haven't achieve anything in ur life. one of the counselors in my high school once told my parents that i'm a very laid back person, and i don't have any achievement motivations. while my high school friends used to say that, 'valcory itu nggak punya niat idup!' well, if they say i don't have any achievement motivation, they're right, but 'nggak punya niat idup'? they're wrong, aku mau hidup 1000th lagi!

the future

hari ini pake bahasa indo ajah ya... otak gue sedikit error nih... dari tadi baca Walter Benjamin's 'The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction' tapi nggak maju2 dari paragraph pertama hahaha...
seperti biasa malem ini gue ada SOC uplate, maklumlah berhub para anggota SOC nggak ada yg ngapelin (co gue berada nun jauh disana) jadi ya acara goss di malam hari itu perlu. cuman hari ini kita tidak ngegoss sih, in fact we're talking about serious matter, the future. all the other SOC members are freaking out about turning 20, for me since i'm already 20, so i'm not making a big fuss out of it. to be honest i'm more concern with healing my wounds. i know... everyone i know already told me...u gotta move on, let it go, jgn suka mikirin yg udah berlalu! do u think i don't wanna moved on? i do, i do wanna forget all of that, but the wound cuts too deep. i was too young too coupe with all that! everytime i tried to moved on there's always something that holds me back. gosh i better stop now, otherwise i'll become the sarcastic valcory. anyway the best solution i've come up with is to pray to God everynight, so that He would heal my wounds.
anyway, i gotta make it clear to my bf, i was mad at you, because i was waiting for u and u asked me to go to bed, and i was mad at u because i thought u ignored me. i'm not mad anymore, sorry to make u worried.
hari ini ol ketemu temen sd gue, sebenarnya musuh bebunyutan gue sih, soalnya dia suka narik rambut gue waktu sd! sebel deh... ternyata temen sd gue itu satu uni ama co gue, dan kayaknya hampir semua temen sd and smp gue satu campus ama co gue (or at least satu kota ama co gue)!
emang dasar alvin nggak pernah berubah, kerjaannya nyelain gue mulu, masa co gue dibilang tua! enak ajah co gue nggak tua! mana gue nggak boleh offline lagi... it just funny how some ppl will never change.

i was planning to start studying today, but my back hurts so bad, dunno what happen with my back, i just woke up this morning and it hurts. i thought i was going to have a nice chat with my bf today, but he was busy. actually he got his exam grades today, and it didn't look good, and silly me, i didn't say anything to comfort him! i should've say something. usually i got a bunch of comforting words to say to ppl when they're down, but nothing came out of my mouth today. what the hell's wrong with me? why am i being shy to him? me, org yg paling nggak tau malu, org yg paling ceriwis diantara anggota SOC tiba2 jadi speechless.
anyway, since my bf is working today, so i chatt with his bestmate to get an inside scoop. but as time went on, the converse turn to his probs. i can't believe myself giving advise to a 33yrsold man. and he seems ok with the way i think. cool ;) does this mean that i'm no longer a spoil little girl? hmm... -_-

i should probably introduce myself 1st i'm valcory, most ppl think of me as the little girl who thinks too much. and i'm a moody person, so jgn kaget kalo tiba2 bahasanya berubah jd indo hohohoho....
anyway, today my plan is to study for my art theory exam, but by the time i started to read my lecture notes, my eyes getting heavy and heavy, so i ended up sleeping in the library -_- z...z...z... what a waste!
lately i felt like i haven't been myself, i did a lot stupid things, i couldn't concentrate on everything i do and i couldn't stop looking at my mobile phone. seriously i dunno what the hell's wrong with me, the only advice i get is from Angiverl and she only said logic and reason get out of the window when L gets involved... could it be? hmm... something to think about -_-