creepy blue room with clouds on the ceiling

it's quite dark even though the sun shines very brightly outside...
it got clouds on it's ceiling to provoke it's inhabitant's imagination...
it full of books mostly with pictures in them and great stories were told by those books too...
it has a wardrobe with only one door left hanging and the other one, leaning against it..

the day is getting late perhaps it was time... i guess it is time, time to say good bye to all these. it's been a great years spent together...
i'll cut my hair, buy a new blue cocoon and of course finished all of those unfinished businesses... then off i'll go... but perhaps, this creepy blue room with clouds on it's ceiling will always be my sanctuary, as valcory will always be inside me...

secret note #24

it might only be a moment when our lives collided...

...but when it comes to friend, trust your first instinct

aku dan mr. R

"kanin.. mr. R mana? apa kabarnya dia?"

namaku kanin, kadang dipanggil ewok atau emak. dan hampir semua orang yg aku kenal, juga kenal dengan mr.R itu...

tadi pagi aku terbangun dng wajahnya di sampingku, wajah si mr.R yg tersohor itu, lalu aku sadar... kalau aku masih bermimpi. belakangan ini, setidaknya sebulan sekali, mr. R ini selalu hadir di mimpiku, entah saat aku sdg bersama si tante amerika, atau saat aku sdg menghadiri sebuah pameran seni, dia ada dtg secara tiba2 mengandeng tanganku dan berkata, "kita harus bicara.." tapi pagi hari ini berbeda, dia ada disampingku, dan saat ku membuka mata dia tersenyum dan berkata sesuatu, sesuatu hal yang tentu saja tak dapat ku mengerti krn smua ini hanyalah sebuah mimpi, tetapi dia tetap berbicara dng sangat anthusias, menjelaskan sesuatu padaku.

sebenarnya hubungan kami singkat, sangat singkat, tetapi entah kenapa bagi teman2ku mr. R ini tetap pasanganku, atau setidaknya kalau salah satu dari mereka ingin mencari mr.R, akulah yg pertama mereka hubungi. sudah berkali2 pula aku katakan, aku tak tau dia ada dimana, sedang sibuk apa, no hp, alamat e-mail, bahkan profile di fs pun sdh aku hapus. aku tau itu kebiasaan buruk... aku melakukan itu karena aku sebenarnya sdh tdk mau tau lagi apa2 ttg mr. R. dia telah menyakiti aku, dia meninggalkan ku utk wanita lain. tapi tentu saja aku tak pernah mengatakan hal ini kepada teman2ku yg jg teman2nya...

"eh kanin, salam ya buat mr. R. gue sebenarnya bener2 penasaran nih ama kabarnya.. udh lama bgt nggak ketemu..."
aku hanya tersenyum, mungkin sebenarnya aku jg ingin tau keadaannya...

web

i don't know what sort of spider web i got myself into...

i don't like the present, can we just fast forward it to the future...

driving with miss frog

the wedding isn't that bad after all, but the morning after felt like a hang over...
got a headache, stomache, and nose-ache (i mean i got flu)...

i was supposed to do something today, but i completely forgot -_-, so i went for a drive with miss frog, believe me, i'm better off driving big cars, but seems that miss frog is the only thing i'm allowed to drive beside the ones in wii, she doesn't completely understands me, always went completely the opposite of where i wanted to go. and she didn't tell it like it is...

miss frog was broken when she was given to me (well, she was given to my mother to be exact), but i'm sure she'll be just fine with me (or maybe she will get worse.red)..
she was broken, but i think i'm going to love her as she is ^^, welcome to my world miss frog...

feels like a babble

well, it's this time of the year anyway, where you'll start recieving wedding invites... i do too, at it feels odd, instead of my parents name on it, it got mine,
Valcory W
Bla bla bla st, JKT.

my cousin's getting married this weekend, next week's my friend, and then my best friend's by the end of this year. but don't even try to asked when's my turn...
by the time i was 12 when some of my friends have their 1st love, i said, "i don't think i want to get married."(well, i did have a huge crush on someone back then, i still do maybe until now xp) at middle school, i was too busy planning the next mischivous things, and off course studying hard so i can get a scholarship to that hip and cool girls school. i did get acceptance at that girls school but i gave up my place to my friend, (and i'm glad i did that) i went to this semi international school instead. highschool wasn't as great as i thought, you know everyone, and everyone know you, but somehow it felt lonely. so then again i focused on doing my research in the lab. i'm not that smart, it just that it's cool, the ac always on ehehe ^^. had a relationship but fails to maintain... i had fun though, learn a lot from him too. then i went to college ^^. college was fun, stressfull but fun. meet someone, who seems like he's the perfect guy to bring home to meet your parents, but.. well he's not what he seems to be.

working life... stressfull, but i meet nice and cool ppl ^^. had a crush on someone too ^^, he's perfect. but i chose the other guy, who's totally the opposite, he's different in any sort of ways you could imagine.. at 1st i was just trying to be his friend, he seems to have none when we met. i thought there's something between us but we are too different, and he's in love with someone else, i'm just the rebound. and all he said (now) seems to be a lie, there was no something, for him this was all just a game, to keep him amused, just a temporary state-like a commercial break in a superbowl game...

now, when i look at my cousin, i'm glad all that's is over, i don't want to be in her shoes, if the thing that i had went on, i will be blinded with that so called love and make my family suffers. i am catholic, we are pretty moderate in terms of breaking rules for certain circumstances, but for mariage, the church are very strict. but i'm not against it, i'm just merely trying to avoid being in the same situation...

miss p onced told me, that she doesn't want to get married, she just need a best friend to stay by her side for the rest of her life.. maybe she's right... maybe that's what i need too, i'm untill now still don't know what to say, if ppl asked me when.. i usually said,"later, i still want to travel.. or i want to work overseas.. or i want to get my master degree 1st.. " but honestly i don't know if i want to get married. but miss p is right though, i do need a friend to accompanied me for the rest of my life...

in between...

i am currently standing in between homework and nintendo wii,
i am in between two cities,
i am in between my past and my future,
i am in between my dream job/career and everyone else's dream to have a normal life
i am in between courage to take risk and persisting in the comfort of the present
i am in between . . .

the invasion of the perusian empire

on a sunday afternoon, we were sitting by the pond, with our laptop...

x : hey val, i think we found ur old buddy..
v : who?.. oh him? hmmm.. no comment
y : look, he bla bla bla...
v : oh.. that's because he's.. bla bla bla..
x : really?
v : yup, you see... bla bla bla..
y : hey dude.. i thought you said... why are u still defending him?
v : oww.. old habit die hard. please let's get back to my homework shall we... i need to make plann B here, and i really need your help... T_T

about to fall

it's simple that's why i like it

the gimmi gimmies stole my lunch money

i have one question in mind,
"is doing something you think you're not good at equals suicide?"

if the answers is yes.. then i'm up for it

baby eagles ate my lunch

they took my lunch money and stole my beauty sleep too...

happy birthday mr. dandy

it was his birthday ...
and all the things he did not said keeps me puzzled. ahaha >_< ever since we were little, he always good at hiding something from me. but on the contrary... he can always read me like a book ^^.

the perfect luncheon

doing things you haven't done in a really long time makes you realize, how similar are you with the rest of the gank... and why did we still stick together you ask? well, it's because we went through hell together and ask nothing in return.

ur father's tractor

monday.. nope it's tuesday 3am... i opened the front door.. say hi to my mom, saying "i'm home". told her what happened at work, and of course i finally told her what happened this last few months. she's not happy about it, but i'm glad i let it out.

i dozed off the entire day, i'm back to my old habits, surprisingly loving it. nervously loving it. and it's all coming back to me, what they said about me at the beginning of my career. *sigh.. i can do this ^^.

ps. mr dandy send me secret message to "hang in there", if i'm not mistaken -_-"
anyway i'm glad he send it, no matter what he's trying to say. it get me through the day
pps. the other mr. r offers me his tractor, so i can execute my mischief plans ^^.
ppps. my toefl score isn't as bad as i predicted ^^

ugly betty

betty went back to puerto rico...

i missed her too, but someone had to protect her, protect me...
so all what's left is the old griefing val. i am val, i am not her anymore

destination : london

... all i know is i don't want to be here right now. i don't want to have to face tomorrow, i don't to have to deal with grief of losing... i don't want to have all those crazy thoughts of...i don't even want to have to deal with my own memory of...

i want to be in london, where i can go on a merry go round on that picadilly circus, i want to be in london, where you will picked me up by the corner of churchill st and we will go book hunting all day.

i (heart) valcory

i did it...
i'm sorry... good bye.

shall we go...

i found my old painting tools plus those blank canvases. there's a box sitting next to it, an old box with stashes of old photos of my grandparents.
i look at them and wept... i want to see my grandma, my aunts says she's funny. i can see that in the picture. she's standing in front of a garden, somewhere in rome and she's wearing kebaya in the middle of spring. i giggles...
i guess oddness in fashion sense runs in the family ^^

so, darling.. shall we go to italy for our honeymoon >___< (please)

an OST.

i know i shouldn't probably published this... but it's my theme song at the moment... after countlessly sung meaningless songs... i found this old record on the stacks of his mp3.

...
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you

As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you...

toto - i'll be over you

me and my room

my room looks like a... ehehe.. i'm so ashame...

you can only imagine what would it be like if you put all the stuff that used to be in my one bedroom apt, to a tiny room ^^. they all still in boxes. plus.. there are also stuff that is not mine. so it's a complete mess...

and while i'm cleaning.. i found:
... lucky charm my aunt made for me
... old photographs of my dad in italy ^^
... my old embarassing library card
... whole other stuff, i shouldn't mention here ^^

blank stares into an empty page

been sitting for hours staring at each others... nothing came up... nothing

the little girl with the big red thing on her hands

i got nothing to do until my meeting at 2pm... still feeling a bit nervous over nothing... so i decide to write a short play instead (this was based on the conversation i had on the weekend).

the little girl with the big red thing on her hands
v : it was broken, but i think it's alright now
r : good then, you can give it to someone else
v : no, that person might break it too
r : maybe but think it should be alright now, it's getting stronger.. it won't break easily
v : no can't do. i'm going to keep it for myself now..
r : for how long? u can't keep that thing to urself forever, val. you'll be lonely... you should give it to other person 1st, then perhaps you'll get a new one you can keep.. maybe perhaps forever...
v : (stay perfectly still and then she gave up her hands)

another episode of...

... lost

once you get older, all of it is up to you to decide... and you will also hold the consequences. but before that, there is other things you should consider b4 making up ur mind... and those thing makes it even harder to decide. i'm truly are lost...

the lucky one

i had a long talked with mr.r over the weekend.. first we only went through the lenses... we argued, but still can't manage to make a desicion over which lens should be use for what...i sighed, it seems to be a very long pointless conversation
then he suddenly said i'm the lucky one... i disagree and then soon we started rambling on about each others misfortune... then there it was we had one thing in common... misfortune... hmm oh well, at least he loosen up a bit and taught me a valuable lesson as well ^^.

end

"i think u've done enough"
"yeah, i think so too.."

and that was the end of it...

to the open road

i'm not feeling very well... more roads are opening up...
too many perhaps for me to choose
i'm not feeling very well, too much bad substance inhaled...
i'm not feeling very well, too many white lies spoke, too many things left unspoken, not many space left for me to pour my heart out...

chasing pavements - adele

Ive made up my mind
dont need to think it over
if im wrong i am right
dont need to look no further
this aint lust i know this is love

but if i tell the world
i'll never say enough
cos it was not said to you
and thats exactly what i need to do
if i end up with you

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

i build myself up
and fly around in circles
waiting as my heart drops
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

or should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there.
should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

yeaaah ehh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads no where,
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep on chasing pavements
should i just keep on chasing pavements

ohhhh ohh

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere
or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place should i leave it there

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere

the big fish

happy b-day val ^^

i guess it's time to make the big wish.. i'm old enough to do that now ahahaha >__<
thank you all, everybody seems to remembered what today is. even the x(es) *sigh*... and then the very long *sigh*...

someday val.. someday you'll find someone that you can just be urself.. no more hiding and you can just burst out like a fireworks and it all will be ok >___<

* poof *

*poof* and all is gone...

i told mr. bear what miss s. told me this morning... he was so excited, we got excited actually... then i gave him something, something that only he and i knew... ahaha it was silly actually, but it mean the world to me... >___<

and *poof* all is gone

the tribal council

everything seems to be wrong, even when i try to do something good. what should i do?

walking christmas tree

i finally decided to get out of the house today, i've been in bed rest for 2 days... and i look like a walking christmas tree, coned shaped body, green stripes jacket with orange red t-shirt underneath it. and yes my nose still in its pink 'rudolph' like nose.

it's day 3 in this not working life and i got plenty of things to do.. but can't concentrate doing anything either... oh and yes... i hate sunsets.. i really do...

maybe next wednesday, i'll kiss you...

i'm still in bed rest... silently humming this song by meiko...

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here

But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way they talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
Jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here...

then, something pops up on my screen...
x : val are you in love?
v : maybe..
x : who's the lucky guy?
v : no one in particular
x : that's a bit strange, but it's very you alright... hey val..
v : yeah..
x : about that guy, i think... he never met a specimen like you, so he doesn't know what to do with you...
v : thanks, i guess.. a specimen (o_0)?

it's monday, i love you

i was just finished watching house md, re-runs. and it ends with chase saying "it's tuesday, i love you.." it sounds nice ^^, it's monday, i love you...

it's been a really weird monday morning, i couldn't wake up and it strange because it's ok, i don't have to go to work today, or tomorrow or the day after... my throat sore, couldn't stop coughing and sneezing, and i missed my friend chris thinking maybe chris is not real, maybe he is just a fragment of my imagination...

oh well... i found the perfect soundtrack for today

(heart)

all i got to say is.. "i'm sorry, i (heart) you.."

27

i think the other mike is trying to brainwashed me 0_o

everything is blue and gray

i paint my eyes gray today... for some given the certain angle it look blue...

c is still angry, i guess she's very angry, i would too if something like this happened to her. the girl sitting next to me also begins to rambling the same song, to tell you the truth i've never regret anything that has happened in my life even when by the end of the day i'm heartbroken... i admit i was wrong...

i was talking to the other mike about his utopian dream, and why i shouldn't go to boston... been having second thoughts... hmmm... but then i remembered that everything will unfold by itself... i just got to keep my gray eyes opened...

red cross

i'm injured and i'm dizzy.. just dizzy.. bzzzzzzzz

mr. o called me this evening, the usual stuff hi how r u? any new song, little dude? i said 'no', i'm dizzy and out of work... and he said don't worry, i'll call u if something came up... my eyes turn green..

you or someone like you

"you were not who i thought you were"
i was listening to sarah bareilles - love song over and over again, and those words were the only one that i could catch...

i've always known to attract certain types of ppl, whenever i go... dunno what, but there's something in me that made them feel homy. i don't mind really ^^. but you are special case... even i can't help you, even now i wanted so much to belief in you, but what i heard and i see in fact says otherwise...

so i guess it's time to really says good bye...
"good bye to you, or someone like you"

me and my utopian dream

"kamu terlalu baik untukku" i couldn't get it out of my head...

and so it was over, to be frank i was going to break up with him too, but i was going to do it nicely, something that would put a smile in his face, eventhough i'm saying goodbye. that's why i'm stalling ... but he beat me to it...

it was 2am and i was still tossing and turning last night reminiscing... what happened yesterday when i walked in to the office, i told them what happened, and as i looked into their eyes, then i remembered what i told c and how she reacted.. even sal and iddo (to be honest i don't know iddo very well) reacted the same way... i sighed and stare and there they are... my own crowd, the thing i've always wanted, the place where i belong. i smiled and i feel loved... i just got dumped but i feel loved >_< and then i went back to sleep.

there are a lot of things i want to write... i guess it'll have to wait, oneisan is giving her words of advise...

the door

mr. darcy gave me this, this afternoon

Let my love open the door - sondre lerche

When people keep repeating
That you'll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can't seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart I have the only key to your heart

I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door

It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
Only one thing's gonna set you free
That's my love
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let them bring you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

ps. i'll see u soon val :)

shoreline

Shoreline - Deas Vail

So you say I’m better off here,
as dry as the shoreline in an ocean of fear.
And so you say that I can’t be alive
Until there is nothing when we’re meeting eyes
Again
And day by day I wander these halls,
And you’re casting a shadow onto every wall.
And all the way you ring in my ear,
from the moment I knew you were leaving me here.
You were leaving me here.
You were leaving me here.
You were leaving me here.

This give and take, this waiting on time
It’s this twisted up memory that I can’t unwind.
These fragile words that fall from my mouth
And I’m crumbling and crowded, but I’ve figured you out.
I've figured you out.
I've figured you out.
I've figured you out.

The shoreline calls the sea
For simple words and company,
But words go on and on,
Till they collide and all is gone.
I dive into the deep—into the sea inside of me
To find another song,
To find a place where I belong.

The shoreline calls the sea
For simple words and company,
But words go on and on,
Till they collide and all is gone.
I dive into the deep—into the sea inside of me
To find another song,
To find a place where I belong.

I dive into the deep—into the sea inside of me
To find another song,
To find a place where I belong.

c gave this to me this morning...

i (heart) u

it's over..and i can't do this all on my own.. i'm no superman...

(heart) is a very powerful words, even villains have it sometimes. but hey i guess it's save to say now, that yesterday i dreamed someone was helping me throughout my college application process, holding my hands, accompanied me doing this and that, greeted my friends, and i don't know who he is but he was not you...

let's go out and play

v : e, everyone's been talking behind my back
e : that's what ppl do, val..
v : -_- *sigh
e : forget about it.. wanna go out 2morrow nite? i think u need a drink or two or a few
v : agree -_-

me and my lunch box

d : so where we off to today?
v : dunno, somewhere quite and roomy, i got asthma
d : yeah roomy is good, so.. southbank? the usual bench?

i miss d.. haven't talk to her in ages...

dormant

i'm dormant, it's been like this since last year, since.. hmm.. i don't know maybe i've never been fully awake. i am dormant, silently hibernating and sinking deep in my own fantasy. perhaps that's why i never knew you exist, and you are real, as real as i am.

corrupted mind

power corrupt, absolute power corrupt absolutely. and i am ashame of myself.

the story with the eraserhead

there i've said it. she said it too, full report, bad news...
yup and this kind of bad news always come at times when i need more support T_T
single fighter as always... as always...

and i will erase him with an eraserhead.

almost lover

...
well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

goodbye my almost lover
goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you
should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do...

-a fine frenzy-

the complication of mr.a

c :what is up with u and mr. a?
v :nothing..
c :nothing, huh? well.. it seems, val.. that he is the only one who knows how to keep you grounded..
v :hmmm... *sigh -_-"

super mom

ok, the title has nothing to do with the lines bellow.. i just put that there because that's what it says in my fb page xp.

c's been telling me the same things she always told me since she realised i had 'that syndrome'. i wonder if it's too late now to back away, but can i back away, now that i finally now for sure where it's heading? and apparently s is having the problems i would have to handle if i pressed on, well not to that extreme.. but it pretty much the same picture. and i just want to lived my life the way it supposed to happened.. embracing more troubles ^^ .. crazy..

candy

yesterday was sweet... the ice is melting and i've been kissed...

it's old

i was managing my old e-mails, i had a folder called 'stuff' it was mostly all my application and confirmation e-mail from QIBT and QCA, but one got in slipped in and as i read i smiled.. someone onced called me his little confused girl and it was back in 2001, and i don't even remembered him >__<.

let it snow

overexcited.. yup just overexcited...

skeptic.phonics

this is a series of a quicky updates:
1. mr. bear has finally found his match
2. i don't know what am i going to do when i get to boston
3. everyone's been yelling at me and asked me to 'stop' and 'disappear'.

eyecatching...

oh well, saturday morning...
got new 'funny'/ridiculous pick up lines..
x : u have a very cool msn title
v : really?
x : yeah, very eyecatching...
x : ^^

i've known him since middle school, and he had never ever talked to me..

gray day

'dead style' office, huhuhu -_-' we got 2 new comers. dunno how i should greet them, i'm just not in the mood, and i got so many deadlines, and things on my head.

miss. i, finally knows about me and chris spending new year's eve together. my bad -_-' (sorry chris, it seems i'm nothing but trouble for you). which then made me think maybe i should permanently sign off..

and the rest is silent

i don't know how i should begin to write all that has happened to me in 2007 and how i spend my new year's eve. long story short, i finally landed safe and sound at jakarta, and as i was silently watching the traffic.. my phone rang, i got an sms, saying "... gue pingin ngabisin taun sama loe aja..."

so there i was, spending the last of 2007 with chris, we were both sick, dunno were to go, what to do. and he was a bit annoying, by assuming things i have never ever done in my life. to be honest, all of it just add another question marks in my head.

oh well, we'll see how things go... i guess i should just silently watching... minding my own business..