why...

i'm tired and i'm angry...

how can ppl look so happy?
what are their secrets to happiness?
why am i unhappy?
why am i always angry?

why?
why can ppl understand me?
why can ppl accept me?

why?

blue canvas

i finally able to remember what i wanted to write ...ahahahaha

ok here it goes... i have some concerns.., well my friend been 'hanging out' with these ppl that i don't really feel comfortable with. don't get me wrong they're nice ppl, but i just don't agree with their views on life.. that's all. and since the begining, i fear that she would become one of them... i don't mind really, if she did. but stay the hell away from me!! ahahaha that's mean i'm do mind huh?
anyhu, i was talking to her about this problem i'm having... and wala.. i was so surprise on the way she made her comment... it wasn't soothing at all. at that time in my mind goes, 'she is one of them, now!' i don't get it!! and to be honest i don't like it... but what can i say... and who am i to judge...
her comment wasn't soothing at all, she made me felt worse about myself. i'm sure she didn't mean too... and it didn't solve anything.

i am not perfect, i'm sure i made a worse comments too... well, i guess at this age i'm gonna have to learnt how to consult different ppl.. and hopefully i won't make them feel worse. being a young woman, single, pretty average at everything, does make life seems hard...

piano lessons?

what have i been doing all morning?

eating chocolate...

yep, and making mock up for my packaging project, gotta take photos this afternoon.

there's so many thing i wanna talk about, but... all i can see now is only a blue canvas... dunno why?

chocolate magnets

hi...
i got migraine yesterday... got rejected again (my design i mean.red). today's got better, new ideas came up under pressure.
gotta finish everything this week if possible. include business card as well... the good news is we got an extention on our 5th assignment. hooray... although, that too i gotta finish by the 9th of nov, cos i gotta special guest coming over to bne.

been having lovely dreams which is unusuall... (i usually have nightmares everynight, whenever assignment's due). anyhu.. dunno how am i should relate my portfolio to business card.

and after all that fuzz about binding, at the end i'm doing it myself...

the audio bullys

it's late ... but i eyes seem don't wanna go to sleep yet... having a mini progress on my final portfolio...

i do not know how r they going to marked my protfolio though... i hate it.. i have to compete with 94 other students...

well... up to this moment i can only say i do not know what am i doing?

and one other thing... why can ppl just stop saying things in codes? why can't they just said what they wanted to say? i had a bizarre conversation the other day, which i totaly dunno where does it lead up to? i'm completely didn't understand what he want out of me... so i just replied it with ..'yeah.. me too >_<'
wrong move there val! oh well... maybe i was just asuming things... maybe he was just babling stuff...

ok nite nite... got morning classes ...

lucky denver mint

i've seen signs.. i've dreamt about it... my hopes are high, and i'm not gonna give up...

cameleon

the only thing that is forever is changes...

like my mind that seems to be changing everyday, yesterday it was there, now it's gone, and tomorrow would probably be there again... ppl also change, yesterday they were there, now the're gone, who knows where they will be tomorrow...

as much as i hate not having a clear state of mind, i also hate changes, and i can never do anything about it except to accept them, and adjust to it...

and i hope you are happy with what you've become...

rage against the machine

yep, it's another sleepless night...

my rage get the hold me today, and it sucks...
it sucks to finally know that, some people are more important than you...

my heart beat up very fast all day long, and i'm tired now, but i just couldn't close my eyes. although, one problem resolved by both side, but the damage is done, now then again it's up to me to let it go, but the damage is done... and i just knew i would never be the same.

bla bla bla with concerns

don't even remind me...

now it's probably officially 2 months b4 i leave the country. hopefully not forever...
i'm having doubts about life, having doubts about myself, of what i'm capabale and not capable of...
and i wish it was my resource to spend, but it's not mine, not like what you think...

well, anyhu... despite all of that i saw someone, well, from a distance, but...
he's kinda interesting, asian (not from indo though he has dark skin), seems to be 24-26ish, maybe...
but he was just visiting bne... -_-
but it was a slight relief... a good slight break from all those heavy thinking and planning i've been doing for the past week.

oh.. btw, despite all of those heavy thinking and considering here and that... the result was usually simple... but i'm not ready to decide that yet...

sedih sepi kutanggung sendiri ... (lagi)

have you ever notice that bad times always happened when you least expected? of course that is why it is called bad times....

last night.. i tried to sleep early, but i couldn't. i got this stuff that's loaded inside my head and i couldn't get rid of it!! it sucks big time!!! i thought i've resolved it, put it behind, let it go.. but somehow, it crawled back to my head last night...
oh how i longed to make it go away...

i feel like talking but... as i sign in... all i can see was that red and white sign with 'busy' said in the brackets...
guess they can't be bothered ... jadi tinggalah diriku menjalanin semua ini sendiri... ditemani dng lagu 'dying'-five for figthing.. and it's not helping... i should've change the cd...

arisan

aku cape...
tapi setidaknya sudah setengah jalan...

aku cape...
tapi aku tidak ingin tidur, karena aku masih pingin ngobrol...

aku cape...
tapi masih banyak yg harus aku kerjakan...

aku cape...
dan aku sedang tidak ingin mengerti, saat ini aku hanya ingin dimengerti...

aku cape...
karena itu aku tidak peduli ttg dia, dan sejujurnya aku senang kalau dia celaka...

aku cape...

the sound of my heart beat

one down, couple of more to go...

now what i need to do is to concentrate on what things that is more important.

have you ever look at yourself in a photo and you don't like what you see? i've been tryng to forget those words that was pointed at me, at my appreance. and that is why i rarely be in a pic, cos everytime i look at myself, those words came back to me, and it's hard not to belief in it. and it has set me back more than often. it has always makes me retreat to my most secure place instead of being out in the real world.

if only the sound of my heart beat can defeat those words that keeps echoing in my head, i could go on in life.

the 100th episode

it's been 4 years and i still hate those songs!!! this is really crazy, i went nuts, i was angry and almost screaming "LIARS" when those songs appeared on the telly. talking about crazynessity (-_-) . luckily, i wake up early this morning and saw beyonce's 'the fighting temptations' it cool my head of to realize there are some alternative... and to know that i'm not possed. (btw, someone in the past did said i might be possed, just because i refuse to do something.red) my defence was i'm not possed i'm just modern.

this morning my head was filled with Beyonce's come home. yes B you've said it it's time for me to come home, home to where my heart is, home where i belong, home is where my family is.

anyhu, my sis been practicing this rather strange english accent and said that we might move there. isn't that a great news everybody? i'm so excited, it makes my heart pumps again, as if i'm in love. i'm sure it wasn't the same as what ros and sly felt for their bf but hey... it's still is exciting...

it's time to come home...

ps: i know most of the time i'm too scared to fell in love cos i was too affraid to get heart broken but this time, i'm not affraid... i'm ready for the ride...

615

well, guess what, it's 2 hrs after, but i still need 1400 more. hahahaha, and i still haven't sleep. i'm goin nuts.. all i an think of is home home home in jakarta... i should probably go back and never leave home again....

but i'm still excited in writing this essay... no..i'm gonna take a nap now, otherwise i'll go nuts tonight...

at 6 am and i miss my bongkis and that gimmies gimmies fans

helo again.. i couldn't sleep last night, too hot even after i turned on the air con it still was too hot. so i woke up, trying to sleep in the sofa (very close to the air con.red) but still couldn't sleep, so i work on my essay, it now only reach 500 words (1500 words to go.red).

now i'm having this terrible headache, maybe it's time for me to go to bed -_- but i can't maybe a drop of sleeping pill could help.

oh and i just wanna say this..." Aha!!! dude, dirimu telah membuka kedokmu sendiri!!!" i told you no more lies and deceit...

anyhu i still wanna work on my essay, despite what i said b4. dunno why it's so hard 4 me to write an essay.....!!! oh hate it!!!