nightmare

i had the worst nightmare ever. it's really strange i was going to this place, at first i think i was going to seaworld, but then the sea creatures they had in there were sea monters, they look horrible. there was this one aquarium that u couldn't see the glass at all, it looks as if the fish with the sharp teeth were hanging in the air, i thought it was going to bite me when i ran across it, but someone told me not to worry because there were glasses surround it. and then all of the sudden i was face with the yucky looking squid's tentacles, and someone was admiring it. i tried so hard to recognise who that person was, when all of the sudden someone called to look at the crocs cage, and when i turn around that person whose calling me lifted me up and throwed me to the crocs cage. at that time it felt so real, i can feel the blood rushing to my head, and then stop for a couple of second, i couldn't move my body. but then strange thing happen, in my mind i realised that it was just a dream, and i should open my eyes and everything will be alright, i'm home in my blue room and should be scream so that my parents or my sister would woke me up. but when i tired to scream nothing came out of me, it was only silence, but my mouth was open, not long after that i open my eyes for real... and there i was gazing at the dark in my apartement, i'm still in brisbane and i'm alone... is this what the rest of my life going to be? alone all by myself?

i'm just an outsider

has anyone ever read that book,'the outsiders'? i haven't, and i got this funny feeling just now, that i oughta read that book. probably because i've been introduce to a new group that i couldn't fit in to... well, i could fit in 4 years ago, but not today, i've grown up now. they're nice kids, but my time is over. (how old am i again?) huahahahaha.... my life time experiences have made it easier for me to fit in with ppl whose older than me, not younger. probably because hangin' out with younger ppl has this weird effect on me, it sort of made me feel superior, and i'm avoiding that superior feeling.

and once again i got a confession to make, to N i've lied to you, i'm so sorry... last night when u called me, i didn't told you the truth, because i can't, it'll only make things worse. and i'm not sure u can handle the truth either, ppl only wanna hear what they want to hear N. and i figure it's best if u don't know it, but if you really wanna know, i'll give you a hint : 'BLOGS'. yup read them carefully, and maybe u'll understand why am i being so reluctant. i also know the chances are so small that you're gonna read my blog... but there's not nothing wrong with hoping that someday u'll know the truth.... (about cats and dog.red)

oh last sat, i went out with a good friend of mine, i've known her for a year, but i just get to know her last sat. anyway the bottom line is i've just realised that her imperfections made me appriciate her. i've grown more respect on her. maybe because i'm such a troubled kid, it has that effect on me.

noweher to hide, nowhere to run....

i feel like a lost child today, not because i lost my way in one of brisbane's suburb again, but i feel i like i don't have anyone, i don't belong to any group, i feel like i never been a part of the crowd, just feel alone and extremely sad, extremely worried. all this time i've been hiding it under all the jokes and all of those silly things i've done, but the truth is i'm not as 'happy' as u guys think i am. i am not 'well preserved' i've been expose to the 'aliran sesat'. (what am i saying?)

i think i've drinking too many of those experimental wine for my product design assignment. which taste very yucky, ugh....

thank you little miss slyphi

i hate to admit it but, i miss u mr.a... and i hate to admit that i have wrong fully acused u, i'm so sorry.

and i would like to say thank you to my little friend slyphi, thank you for bringing those other point of views. once again i owe u.

nothing exciting happened today, except for those horrible phone line accident. anyway, i'm so glad that mr.a finally resolve his probs, now can i have u for myself (how selfish of me.red)?

an old man in every bus stop

i'm in the mood of symbolism right now... (i guess if mr.doug ever read this piece, he would probably says,'isn't it a little too late for that?' or probably, 'i think it's about time, valcory.') huahahahahaha... anyway first symbolism in short sort of miserable life (just kidding.red) is i've noticed since i lost who i thougt was my 'bestbud', in most time whenever i'm late and alone in the bus stop, there's always an middle aged man or sometimes a middle ages woman whose opened up a convers with me. for me this symbolize that God is looking after me in every step i take, in every move i make (sounds familiar? i took it from i'll be missing u, hahahahaha.red).

the other thing i wanted to mentioned in this blog is karma... i never trully believe in karma, it never sink in my heart. i never do or try to hurt some1 simply because i know what's it like getting hurt, not because someday it'll come back to me. but recently i noticed whenever i got a huge prob, that made me 'bombay' for a couple of days, usually i always get a huge 'rejeki' as well. weird huh?

of for those of u who read this i wanna appologise in advanced if i ever in the future hurt ur feelings with my so called famous sudden mood change. i dunno how to control it, it might have been seen as if i didn't try hard enough but believe me i'm doing all the best i could (i've lost my 'bestbud' because of this, and i'm surely don't wanna loose any in the future, so believe me i'm trying hard.red). anyway about the sudden mood change, it happened again today. i was supposed to go to this dance party with some friends, but i cancelled in the last minutes, because i dunno what happened to me today, i was quite happy when i woke up this morning, i was still happy when i prepared my 'ayam kalasan' lunch, tapi tiba2 nggak ada petir nggak ada badai, i cried the whole afternoon, just b4 i went to school. luckily my eyes went back to normal state when i arraived at school. i used to have someone near me i could talk to but now, i guess i have to learned to keep it for myself. and just now, i chat with my auntie, my dad's little sister, she said my father is sick, he forced himselpf to go to work today, and a doctor just finished checking my dad at home. i wanna called my mom but i'll probably wait until my tears dry. i know it's unbelieveable, but i'm very much attached to my family. all those tears this afternoon was because of my father is sick. . .

clueless

oh..i would be lying if i said nothing wrong with me... it's not a big problem, but it bothered my mind quite a bit. and the good news is i got a hints yesterday on how i should handle it. the keyword is 'i wont do that to someone i like'. now i guess i know or am i assuming that .... doesn't like me. or .... never like me since ... is always sort of away, and i'm not getting the 'msg' all this time. sure need some clarification! how tragic!

okay let's moved on to the good news, my friend Denath is getting married... how exciting, but i can't come though, she's getting married in a mosque near my house on the 13th this month. yesterday when Soleh called me to tell me the news, i was sort of thinking maybe i don't belong here in bne, i belong in jkt, because i was so excited when i heard the news that she was geeting married in a mosque near my house. i was imagining what's the deco will look like, the food, all those kebayas that ppl will wear... to be honest i love jkt despite the weather, the rudeness of its ppl, not to mention traffic jam, all those traditional betawi. and i wa hoping i could restore that. and all of the sudden i don't wanna get PR! and most important of all i wanna go home to my family (mom and dad and my sis, and my grandparents).

speaking of my sisters, yesterday when i went to ekka with vivi and her sister yoana, i was quite because i missed my sisters, i know ruci will love to go because of the showbags and rari will love all those spongebob stuff that hanging around the showbags area. it kinda make me realised that i need them. they're my best friends.

silly little things does count

last sat i went to ekka, most ppl think it is pretty lame, but as always i slightly disagree with them. i think it's quite fun. if look at it at a different angles. i always like the classic part of ekka. it's like the modern version of indonesian pasar kaget hahahaha... and i love showbags more hahahahaha.....

i know i should start research on my assignments, but there is other thing came into my mind. i don't like how i being treated by someone lately. and if i'm the younger version of valcory, that person is dead meat, meaning don't expect me to be nice to that person. but years went by and i grown up, i realised i was being my grandfather (sgt kaku dlm bersosialisasi.red). and now, i'm faced with the same prob, only this time a part of me don't wanna loose this person, but a part of me wanna stays the way i am when i was younger. so i'm still not sure what should i do for the time being.

runaway student

today felt very weird, i feel like i wanna be left alone, i'm more comfrotable being by myself. but the funny thing is i didn't feel lonely in the crowed. i don't feel like talking, i only wanna listen. i don't wanna throw some jokes. and as my class ended, i feel like i wanna run home. as if my feet were walking by themself with out my brain commanding them to walk home ...(actually i was walking so fast it felt like i was half running).

i finally load my pics on my comp, not bad, i dunno how u all feell but i think it is still pretty dull to me, no emotion, and i'm out of focus. but i'm quite happy. ... -_-

it's easier said than done

i know as a writer i critized many things, i seem to have always got an opinion on every issues. but as time went on, i've come to realised that a lot of the things i've wrote is easier said than done and to be honest i don't know what's it like to be in that position until i personally experienced it. this is kinda embarassing, but i gotta to admit that some of what i wrote are not entirely valid, and things are not always black and white, there are also the grey area that i've never been able to tackle.

still continuing on those betrayal issues, it kinda forced me to grew up (some of u might remember that i've once said, 'i don't wanna grow up'. but after i've been betrayed by an immature person, it change my whole horizon.red). and at the end, i still in contact with that person, i dunno why, but my feelings said that person might come handy one day... some day

anyway, i'm in QCA right now, i still got an afternoon class ;(, i know i've made a promise to myself i will go back to that geeky side of me, so i can boost up my GPA. and as i said b4 it's easier said than done -_-.... because now i wanna run home and got some sleep ...

what would u do if...

it's been a quite a while since i wrote my last blog. well, that's because nothing happen during those times, but a lot of things did came to my mind, but i'm just too lazy to wrote it down hehehe...
i really miss my dad, well all this time i can say that i'm really close to my mum, she's my best friend, but the thing with what happen between me and my dad it's so funny, perhaps a bit bizzare because i'm the exact replica of my dad. the things he went through when he was young, i'm living it right now. weird huh? i guess i lately i became more and more dependent to my dad. i'm capable of making decision for myself, but i always called my dad every weekend just to justified the things i've done this week, trying to make sure if made the right move.
maybe a lot of u had noticed that i'm more quite lately, some of u had asked why, but i never gave a serious answer, i didn't give any actually. it's simple, it's because i got nothing to talk about lately. i've come to realised that i always talk about the same thing over and over again. i'm sorry if i've made u guys bored.
oh i almost forgot to mention what i i wrote on today's title, what would u do if ur friend betrayed u? and talked behind ur back? i guess ur normal reaction is to stay away from him/her, right? but what about all of his/her kindnes to u? surely there must have some sweet memories between u and that friend? and surely u must've owe him/her something as friends often help each other. should we put that aside and let the fact that his/her betrayal took over the friendship?
i tried asking this question to a couple of ppl, and one of the answer shocked me, : 'valcory, i think u're thinking too deep. what if that person whose betrayed u didn't think about u. why should u think about them? don't let urself be driven by others.'
i guess now i know that the world is not as beautiful as i imagine.