break

i think i'm gonna take a break for a while, to cool my head off....

so c ya in the future...

THUNDER BOLTS !!!!

SEBEL...rasanya ingin marah, sangat ingin marah2, rasanya pingin gebukin org... walaupun itu berarti nantinya bakalan gue yg babak belur karena org yg pingin gue ajak berantem itu co -_-... tapi apa mau dikata... gue KESEL bgt!!! dia pikir dirinya siapa??? dr jaman dulu kala gue jg udah nggak suka sama nih anak, dan skg batas kesabaran gue sudah habis...

beginilah resikonya hidup solitaire, gue nggak punya backing -_-... KESAL!!! HUAH!!! berani2nya dia main fisik....GUE nggak takut sama loe!! lain kali pick somebody your own size!!!!

sayang sekali the LW bashing gank (lana, elliot, akane)nggak bisa dieksport ke jakarta...-_-! Gue sebal, sebal...huah!!!

life..

How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?

How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
All messed up, but we'll survive


i used to hate it when my sis put this song on the player, but now i have to i can stop singing this song...

have you ever got problems with trust? especially trusting someone who'd hurt you in the past? i do, and i dunno how to overcome it? the usuall solution to that is to 'tdk berususan dng org itu lagi...' but then time has change and i'm getting older, i can't keep doing that...
oh well, if anyone know how... you know how to reach me...

as happy as a bee

someone said to me yesterday, 'lagi happy ya?'
and i didn't answered it, i kept on singing and humming all of those naif's songs... only little miss k knew what's been going on with me really

and all of those humming was just a cover up... why didn't i said it out loud? i dunno, i guess after last year, i kinda get used to keeping things about me for myself...

run run run with the wind

hey, yep feels like running, run run far far away from here...

i was wondering around aimlessly on friday afternoon straight after work, and it felt so good, terutama karena papan SALE bertebaran dimana2, but.. i didn't buy anything except book and mags.

and now i think i know what my kind of a perfect weekend is: wondering around aimlessly in queen st on friday afternoon, wake up late on saturday morning, watch cartoons all day, doing laundry, ironing, church on sunday morning, then go to one of those art market, go back home, buy groceries in the afternoon then doing HM like a crazy horse (what the?)

anyway shopping or at least window shopping really do can help me when i'm sad, stressfull or confuse, so i suggested this therapy to one of my friend, well at least for her she won't be needing a window shopping anyway, cos she got all the money in the world (but this is not my point), anyhu... she then said to me,'itu hanya kebahagian sesaat...'
i was shock, why because the truth is i didn't meant to say that the actuall physical material could make you happy, but the fact that you go out, have some fresh air walking down in queen's really does wonders to my confused little brain.
well, i guess i didn't explain it very well to her then... -_-

and after much consideration i think it's gonna be hard for me to leave bne, i have to admit, i don't think it's my time to leave, but i can't see any other way that can make me stay longer in bne. on the other hand... i don't wanna be part from my family too long... they are the only thing i got left in this world, the only thing that matter the most to me... the only ones who were there for me when i'm down, the only ones that can lift my spirit up and running again...

ouw.. i also got this advise from someone.. for me it's a bit strange:
i was telling this person about my strangest thoughts (dunno why i always feel safe to share all of my wacky, strange, abnormal, overreacted thoughts with this person), the one thoughts that have always make me feel a bit uncomfortable, anyhu.. this person only said like this, ' the thing you want the most in this whole wide world won't be given to you because you have another job, your work is not finish yet... it will interfere with your work if He gave it to you now. when will you have it then? well, i think until you can help those who need your help and friendship, and until they can stand on their own feet, that is when you'll find what you've want the most in the whole wide world...' and a drop of rain fell in my cheek ...
' i'm sorry val, i don't know why i said that... but i think that's your road...'
smoga saja gue bisa jalanin smua ini... and this person also said...'kalo ngasih wangsit ke org yg bener... waktu itu loe ngaco ngasih wangsit ke gue, tega loe val, gue laporin nyokap loe... oh iya, skali lagi maap ya atas my brutal honesty, sebelum tidur dengerin lagunya marcell duls trus nanggis yg puas krn esok hari you gotta face the world with a big smile in your face...>_< gue percaya loe pasti bisa ngejalanin semua ini val...'

gado gado boplo di deket rumah mas adri...

hey ya, the news is out diriku predictable, terlalu tegas dan terkadang menutup diri...
it's been 2 days and 3 minutes since i came up with plan B, masih sangat2 bersemangat tentunya... dan rasanya susah sekali menahan diri utk tdk bercerita kpd siapa2... tapi apa boleh dikata, kali ini gue harus bisa menahan mulut besarku ini supaya tidak gagal lagi rencanaku.

gimana ya... akhir2 rasanya aneh bgt, sedih, takut, excited, panik, curiga, ragu2, stress... dunia gue nggak mantep, dan gue nggak suka, gue pingin semuanya itu jelas adanya. gue kangen saat2 dimana gue bisa bengong in my fave spot, staring blanky at nothing and gone back home with red nose (karena masuk angin.red), planning my future, day dreaming, tapi saat ini gue seakan tidak ada waktu untuk benar2 mendengarkan apa kata hati gue. gue sibuk menutup diri gue dengan pikiran yg serba paranoid ini.

permintaan maaf selanjutnya kepada little miss r, gue tidak bermaksud mengintimidasi dirimu, to be honest, nyokap jg suka negur karena gue terlalu tegas. dan mungkin sebaiknya dirimu tidak dekat2 dng gue... buat mas c maaf ya saya tidak bermaksud menakut2ti pacar anda...

apa jadinya gue ya... punya temen cuman segelintir... tapi akibat sifat dasar gue yg 'kurang flexible' temen2 gue pada takut smua...

oh iya berhub dulu gue pernah disakiti oleh certain types of group of ppl, sampe skg gue masih menghindari tipe2 org2 kayak gitu.. (en little miss p, teman2mu masuk golongan itu, jadi maaf ya gue slalu kbr kalo loe lg brg temen2 loe.red)

the verdict

this would probably be a bad news to sly, but it's a good news for me, it's impossible to get a PR in oz, cos, not enough points. little miss akane just told me this morning...

so.. plan B is to find another city for me to explore... where to go next? was i shock to hear the 'verdict'? nope, cos i already had one particular city in mind... and i'll reveal it on december...

the bumble bee...

hmm... rasanya lega bgt akhirnya bisa ngeluarin uneg2 gue, lega karena gue nggak sendirian di dunia ini yg merasakan hal itu. thank you little miss M...

a date at 6.30am

hi there, i'm glad to announce to you that the nightmares has stop. no more nightmares, at least last night's dream is a good one. and it goes like this:
i was in a village, and it's early in the morning, someone knock on my door and asked me if i would like to take a morning walk with him (i couldn't see his face though). so there we went for a walk, the sun was just rising, the smell is very indonesian morning. then dunno how he lead me to this cramp small space which of course being a clusterphobic, i don't like it. he climb up this very steep stairs, dunno why i followed him, although it's very uncomfortable, but he lend his hand to help me climb up. we went up and saw the whole village from high up. the view was not as beautiful as the view in mt cootha. but i feel safe (i'm also affraid of high places) and home i can feel the warmth of home...
then he said,' do you like it?'
... i nodded
...' next time we'll take a walk along the river bed..'

but it's just a dream...

heavy

well, finally i get to throw what's been bottled up inside of me all this time. i got to chat with my mentor, although he's extremely busy, i think he knew i'm in critical condition, and that 'i am my own best friend' -motto of mine didn't actually work.

anyway, the funny thing was he said, ' what's wrong with you, dude? u r stronger than most ppl your age. come on, you can stand up again, you've been through worse sit than this. Don't you ever give up! DON'T GIVE UP!' it's funny because he's right, i am stronger and i will not give up. i'm gonna keep on fighthing. and then when all of this is over i am gonna come home.

and what a relieve.. it felt so good to finally said those words...

ow.. news flash from home, i rang up my little sis tonight, and she when nuts, she answered the phone and the moment she recognise my voice she started to sing this song:
' ayam ayam... bebek, bebek.. bebek..'
i think she's lonely back home, she's so sweet when she's lonely, don't worry sis, i'm coming back soon, and we'll have our routine arguement in the afternoon again.

i seriously wanna go home, dunno how to break it to little miss r and s though, how should i tell it to them that i don't belong here...

evicted

ready for some and more sad depressing entries? i'm sory guys i promise to be more optimist, but ...

oks, pake bahasa indo ajah yah lebih enak... gue stress, dan tampaknya yg menyadari hanyalah little miss shirley, tenkyu ya shier... gue bener2 nggak tau mesti gmn nih.. gue udah nggak suicidal sih, although saat ini gue hanya ingin, duduk di pinggir kali dan menanggis, tapi sayang cuaca tidak mendukung -_-.

the problem with C

hmm.. what's interesting is i got lost last monday, i took the wrong bus, and... i have to walk quite far, lucky the sun was still up. but... i found this really nice apartement. it's seems almost perfect untill i saw one corner of that apt's lobby, and it remind me of that place that i hated the most in this whole wide world... then i change my mind about moving... i don't wanna feel jailed again.

now... let's talk about C, i think i'm loosing it, infact i don't have one. how can i get my C again? this is really funny because i know some ppl that overC, where do they get it? snytch said they bought it on sale at cash converters...
seriously i gotta find my C back. but i dunno know how... how not to be pesimistic, but also not overC?

crash and burn

hi...
hmm... i've been having this suspicious thoughts about one of my sister's friend, i don't like him at all. dunno why? i just don't like him.

and i've been wanting to have some serious talk with my mom... cos i'm scared, now i'm scared to even dream to have a 'that' job. not that i don't think i can do it, but because...

i dunno.. i dunno what to do, what to think, and what to even hope... i feel don't feel like talking, not a word. cos when i talked, words that came out of my mouth is crap.

the space between

if you're asking me how i feel right now? to be honest not good, but bad either. i'm still shock after reading the that blog, she got a point though althoug i'm not totaly agree. but i hate to admit that she got a point. i hate it, it made me hate my status right now.

what make things even worst is that i got this hm where i have to sort of objectively see myself 5 years from now... gosh, i used to have some imagination of what am i going to be... pretty high, now all i can think of is home, being with my family, and have no care in this world what so ever on carreer... i think that's what my older cousins have been doing for these last few years.

btw i think this is what i'm gonna be writing:
in 2010 i'll probably be in jakarta, yep, i dunno what company i'll be working for. magazine perhaps, so i could learn a bit here and there on journalistic as well. i would also start to build my own children clothing shop, where i design the clothes and my sis will design some accessories. what would i be driving? land rover freelander of course.. NOT hahahaha i would probably get myself toyota innova or nissan x-trail. marrieage status? dunno... don't wanna think about that!!!! i hate that subject!!!

sonete

i've just read one of my friend's blog, geesh... it took a lot of courage to tell it like it is, i didn't expect she would wrote something like that. you go girl..

although having to read it made my feelings worst and worst, and it make me realise no matter how much i'm enjoying my day... at the end of the day i don't have anyone to come home too. yep i'm a lost soul, hiding in this small cubicle called an apartment. and all this time having those lovely thoughts just to keep my engine up and running didn't really help... and who am i kidding... i wanna go home, home.. home... i wanna go home...

phoenix

someway somehow i miss 'you'... where r 'you'...

anyway it's monday morning back to 'reality' lots of work to do, no ideas what so ever on how am i gonna tackle those 'real' client briefs.. ough.. i've been wanting this opportunity since last year, and now when i finally get it i get cold feet.

i've been thinking of going back home after graduation, i dunno if that's a good idea, and i thought everyone will be happy for me, but apparently not. they wanted me to stay, well i'd love too, but i dunno if i can, guys...

ough what am i doing should be getting back to work...