why...

i'm tired and i'm angry...

how can ppl look so happy?
what are their secrets to happiness?
why am i unhappy?
why am i always angry?

why?
why can ppl understand me?
why can ppl accept me?

why?

blue canvas

i finally able to remember what i wanted to write ...ahahahaha

ok here it goes... i have some concerns.., well my friend been 'hanging out' with these ppl that i don't really feel comfortable with. don't get me wrong they're nice ppl, but i just don't agree with their views on life.. that's all. and since the begining, i fear that she would become one of them... i don't mind really, if she did. but stay the hell away from me!! ahahaha that's mean i'm do mind huh?
anyhu, i was talking to her about this problem i'm having... and wala.. i was so surprise on the way she made her comment... it wasn't soothing at all. at that time in my mind goes, 'she is one of them, now!' i don't get it!! and to be honest i don't like it... but what can i say... and who am i to judge...
her comment wasn't soothing at all, she made me felt worse about myself. i'm sure she didn't mean too... and it didn't solve anything.

i am not perfect, i'm sure i made a worse comments too... well, i guess at this age i'm gonna have to learnt how to consult different ppl.. and hopefully i won't make them feel worse. being a young woman, single, pretty average at everything, does make life seems hard...

piano lessons?

what have i been doing all morning?

eating chocolate...

yep, and making mock up for my packaging project, gotta take photos this afternoon.

there's so many thing i wanna talk about, but... all i can see now is only a blue canvas... dunno why?

chocolate magnets

hi...
i got migraine yesterday... got rejected again (my design i mean.red). today's got better, new ideas came up under pressure.
gotta finish everything this week if possible. include business card as well... the good news is we got an extention on our 5th assignment. hooray... although, that too i gotta finish by the 9th of nov, cos i gotta special guest coming over to bne.

been having lovely dreams which is unusuall... (i usually have nightmares everynight, whenever assignment's due). anyhu.. dunno how am i should relate my portfolio to business card.

and after all that fuzz about binding, at the end i'm doing it myself...

the audio bullys

it's late ... but i eyes seem don't wanna go to sleep yet... having a mini progress on my final portfolio...

i do not know how r they going to marked my protfolio though... i hate it.. i have to compete with 94 other students...

well... up to this moment i can only say i do not know what am i doing?

and one other thing... why can ppl just stop saying things in codes? why can't they just said what they wanted to say? i had a bizarre conversation the other day, which i totaly dunno where does it lead up to? i'm completely didn't understand what he want out of me... so i just replied it with ..'yeah.. me too >_<'
wrong move there val! oh well... maybe i was just asuming things... maybe he was just babling stuff...

ok nite nite... got morning classes ...

lucky denver mint

i've seen signs.. i've dreamt about it... my hopes are high, and i'm not gonna give up...

cameleon

the only thing that is forever is changes...

like my mind that seems to be changing everyday, yesterday it was there, now it's gone, and tomorrow would probably be there again... ppl also change, yesterday they were there, now the're gone, who knows where they will be tomorrow...

as much as i hate not having a clear state of mind, i also hate changes, and i can never do anything about it except to accept them, and adjust to it...

and i hope you are happy with what you've become...

rage against the machine

yep, it's another sleepless night...

my rage get the hold me today, and it sucks...
it sucks to finally know that, some people are more important than you...

my heart beat up very fast all day long, and i'm tired now, but i just couldn't close my eyes. although, one problem resolved by both side, but the damage is done, now then again it's up to me to let it go, but the damage is done... and i just knew i would never be the same.

bla bla bla with concerns

don't even remind me...

now it's probably officially 2 months b4 i leave the country. hopefully not forever...
i'm having doubts about life, having doubts about myself, of what i'm capabale and not capable of...
and i wish it was my resource to spend, but it's not mine, not like what you think...

well, anyhu... despite all of that i saw someone, well, from a distance, but...
he's kinda interesting, asian (not from indo though he has dark skin), seems to be 24-26ish, maybe...
but he was just visiting bne... -_-
but it was a slight relief... a good slight break from all those heavy thinking and planning i've been doing for the past week.

oh.. btw, despite all of those heavy thinking and considering here and that... the result was usually simple... but i'm not ready to decide that yet...

sedih sepi kutanggung sendiri ... (lagi)

have you ever notice that bad times always happened when you least expected? of course that is why it is called bad times....

last night.. i tried to sleep early, but i couldn't. i got this stuff that's loaded inside my head and i couldn't get rid of it!! it sucks big time!!! i thought i've resolved it, put it behind, let it go.. but somehow, it crawled back to my head last night...
oh how i longed to make it go away...

i feel like talking but... as i sign in... all i can see was that red and white sign with 'busy' said in the brackets...
guess they can't be bothered ... jadi tinggalah diriku menjalanin semua ini sendiri... ditemani dng lagu 'dying'-five for figthing.. and it's not helping... i should've change the cd...

arisan

aku cape...
tapi setidaknya sudah setengah jalan...

aku cape...
tapi aku tidak ingin tidur, karena aku masih pingin ngobrol...

aku cape...
tapi masih banyak yg harus aku kerjakan...

aku cape...
dan aku sedang tidak ingin mengerti, saat ini aku hanya ingin dimengerti...

aku cape...
karena itu aku tidak peduli ttg dia, dan sejujurnya aku senang kalau dia celaka...

aku cape...

the sound of my heart beat

one down, couple of more to go...

now what i need to do is to concentrate on what things that is more important.

have you ever look at yourself in a photo and you don't like what you see? i've been tryng to forget those words that was pointed at me, at my appreance. and that is why i rarely be in a pic, cos everytime i look at myself, those words came back to me, and it's hard not to belief in it. and it has set me back more than often. it has always makes me retreat to my most secure place instead of being out in the real world.

if only the sound of my heart beat can defeat those words that keeps echoing in my head, i could go on in life.

the 100th episode

it's been 4 years and i still hate those songs!!! this is really crazy, i went nuts, i was angry and almost screaming "LIARS" when those songs appeared on the telly. talking about crazynessity (-_-) . luckily, i wake up early this morning and saw beyonce's 'the fighting temptations' it cool my head of to realize there are some alternative... and to know that i'm not possed. (btw, someone in the past did said i might be possed, just because i refuse to do something.red) my defence was i'm not possed i'm just modern.

this morning my head was filled with Beyonce's come home. yes B you've said it it's time for me to come home, home to where my heart is, home where i belong, home is where my family is.

anyhu, my sis been practicing this rather strange english accent and said that we might move there. isn't that a great news everybody? i'm so excited, it makes my heart pumps again, as if i'm in love. i'm sure it wasn't the same as what ros and sly felt for their bf but hey... it's still is exciting...

it's time to come home...

ps: i know most of the time i'm too scared to fell in love cos i was too affraid to get heart broken but this time, i'm not affraid... i'm ready for the ride...

615

well, guess what, it's 2 hrs after, but i still need 1400 more. hahahaha, and i still haven't sleep. i'm goin nuts.. all i an think of is home home home in jakarta... i should probably go back and never leave home again....

but i'm still excited in writing this essay... no..i'm gonna take a nap now, otherwise i'll go nuts tonight...

at 6 am and i miss my bongkis and that gimmies gimmies fans

helo again.. i couldn't sleep last night, too hot even after i turned on the air con it still was too hot. so i woke up, trying to sleep in the sofa (very close to the air con.red) but still couldn't sleep, so i work on my essay, it now only reach 500 words (1500 words to go.red).

now i'm having this terrible headache, maybe it's time for me to go to bed -_- but i can't maybe a drop of sleeping pill could help.

oh and i just wanna say this..." Aha!!! dude, dirimu telah membuka kedokmu sendiri!!!" i told you no more lies and deceit...

anyhu i still wanna work on my essay, despite what i said b4. dunno why it's so hard 4 me to write an essay.....!!! oh hate it!!!

the words are h..., e... and a...

yep readers the words are h..., e... and a... and i just wanna get it out of my head. i've manage to get rid of it for several days, but as soon as i get online, it all came back to me. the reasons why am i insist on living by myself in a small apt.

huh... i just realize that i'm not ready and i'm sacred, i'm freaking out. why did people believed that i can do it, while me on the other hand, i don't think that i can do it.

oh yeup, i've been trying to prove a theory (this one is v secret, sorry guys -_-.red), well, it didn't work, despite what the legend said, my experiment prove the otherwise ... and i'm so dissappointed... -_- the result made me feel weaker and weaker every single day...

what lies beneath

I could think of an intro for today’s entry, I just wanna pour my heart out…
Well, what would you do if you knew something about A but A thinks you don’t have a clue, and this A person is trying so hard to cover it up. Hoping that you would never knew about it? hmm… should you just play along with this cover up game? Or …
Well, at first I didn’t really mind, but now it’s getting ridiculous. I can stand being left alone in the dark, I thought I’m your friend dude… kenapa loe kudu nyembunyiin kenyataan itu dari gue?

oh and another thing, what if your friend gotta chose between you and her bf? would you stay away from her cos she seems so happy with him, or would you ... this is kinda confusing huh? my friends bf thinks i'm a bad influence cos i'm a freak. on one side i really wanted her to be happy, but on the other side i don't wanna loose a dear friend...
oh valcory... let her be happy, u used to be on your own anyway... -_- and there you go once again i lose another friend... i guess it's also about time you leave bne...

so to do 2morrow: ask about shipping company, ask about tickets (make sure it's oneway ticket)

ps: dude i know... but i still wanna hear you say the truth to me....

while watching the emmy

hmm... i thought the nightmares are over for sure, but it didn't. i couldn't sleep, rain keep pouring in my cheeks. and as usual no one was there... the funny thing is i don't remember why and what? why did i cried all night? but it did affect my mood today.. hmm..-_- i was sad and gloomy, couldn't event think... feels like talking and pour my hearts out but no one was there...

sealed memory

hey guys... it's so nice not having to work everyday. yep my days in the studio are over, now i can concentrate (well, trying) on my college assignments.

hmm.. today was very windy in bne, very very windy, so i can't go anywhere -_-
so... i cooked, spaghetti with garlic and japanese seaweed sprinkles and watched tv. although i had to stayed home all day, i found something inside of me that i...well you can say sealed very tightly. i really like this movie, because i can connect with it. well, sly always thought that i had a happy childhood, well, i tell you what sly, i had had my share of cloudy days. it's very funny how i manage to surpress that memory for so long if i hadn't watched that movie today, i would probably wouldn't remember it. but anyhuu, what that girl went through and how she reacted was more elaborate compare to what i went through, but i still remember what's it like to be in her shoes. i was angry and very sad. but i'm over it now.

another thing... i just realise that life is all about choice. so i've this wishful thinking:
i wish to have someone to talk to about these unforseen choices, and if did chose a bad one, i wish that person would stick by me...

(i'm being cheessy am i?)

my life so far

i found this stuff on the bullboard, i thought: this is kinda interesting was of looking at my life...

( ) smoked a cigarette

( ) crashed a friend's car

( ) stolen a car

(x) been in love

( ) shoplifted

(x) been in a fist fight

( ) snuck out of your parent's house

(x) had someone who had feelings for you that you didn't have back
(kayaknya pernah deh)

( ) been arrested

( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend

(x) skipped school

( ) seen someone die

(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends

( ) been to Canada

( ) been to Mexico

(x) been on a plane

( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire

(x) eaten sushi

(x) met someone from the internet

( ) been at a concert

(x) taken painkillers

( ) love someone or miss someone right now

(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by

( ) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party

(x) flown a kite

( ) built a sand castle

( ) gone puddle jumping

(x) played dress up

( ) jumped into a pile of leaves

( ) gone sledding

(x) cheated while playing a game

(x) been lonely (almost everyday)

(x) fallen asleep at work/school

( ) used a fake ID

(x) watched the sun set

(x) felt an earthquake

(x) slept beneath the stars

(x) been tickled

(x) been robbed

(x) been misunderstood

(x) petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo

( ) won a contest

( ) run a red light/stop sign

( ) been suspended from school

( ) been in a car crash

( ) had braces

(x) felt like an outcast/third person

(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night

(x) had deja vu (often)

( ) danced in the moonlight

(x) liked the way you looked

(x) witnessed a crime

(x) questioned your heart

(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

(x) squished barefoot through the mud

(x) been lost

( ) been on the opposite side of the country

(x) swam in the ocean

(x) felt like dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep

( ) played cops and robbers

( ) recently colored with crayons

(x) sung karaoke

(x) paid for a meal with only coins

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't

(x) made prank phone calls

(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue

(x) danced in the rain

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus

( ) been kissed under the mistletoe

( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about

(x) blown bubbles

( ) made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party

( ) gone rollerskating

(x) had a wish come true

( ) jumped off a bridge

( ) ate dog/cat food

( ) told a complete stranger you loved them

( ) kissed a mirror

(x) sang in the shower

(x) had a dream that you married someone

( ) glued your hand to something

( ) kissed a fish

(x) sat on a roof top

( ) screamed at the top of your lungs

( ) done a one-handed cartwheel

(x) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours

(x) stayed up all night

( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree

(x) climbed a tree

( ) had a tree house

(x) scared to watch a scary movie alone

(x) believe in ghosts

( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes

( ) broken a bone

(x) been easily amused

(x) caught a butterfly

(x) laughed so hard you cried

( ) cried so hard you laughed

(x) forgotten someone's name

( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house

( ) loved someone so much you would gladly die for them