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i felt really guilty for holding up this feeling... i thought she was a friend that i could count on, that's why i've always tried to be there for her whenever she needed me but the fact is she would rather hang out with her 'new found glory' group then with me, she wrongfully judged me b4 i had the chance to told her my side of the story once (she said she's not taking side, but it was obvious to me that she was taking side), she has said things that made me feel like i had a bad personalities.
but despite all that i dunno why i still hang out with her, and these couple of weeks i felt really really irritated by her. i know i've been really quite, but that doesn't mean i wanna to hear about something that is not important, i just want someone who could listen, just listen...

anyway..that's out i'm felt relieve, but i have another bad news... dodi just died this morning (dodi was my pet chicken.red) oh i'm going to miss you dodi... eventhough sometimes i felt irritated by you in the morning...-_-

pink panther

hmmm... i feel so tired today i almost fall asleep in the library. looking through all of those periodical journals always make my eyes drowsy. oh... i shouldn't blame the journals or the air con in the library that makes it so cosy, i slept very late last night. this time not because of assignments, but cos i called sly, my partner in crimes, and silly me i called her to bandung from my mobile... yeap so there it goes my call credits -_-... but i didn't regret it though, talking to her again after all this months would probably the happiest moment of my life for this month. maybe because she made me feel like a celebs, cos she practically screaming when she heard my voice, and she didn't stop being so hysterical for about 5 minutes, actually i was being hysterical myself huhuhu... >_<. she was supposed to start her uni this semester, but she got problem with her visa so she's won't be in bne until late may -_-

oh well .... i hope she's coming back to bne sooner...

sedih sepi kutanggung sendiri

this last couple of days was very exhausting, i finally quit the performance team and join photography departement instead (hahaha finally i can do something i like.red). speaking of photography, it remains me that i need a lesson this coming holiday, i hope i can find a tutor in jakarta (if anyone interested in giving me a lesson please send me an e-mail: k_nine@soon.com). oh yeah the good news is i still have time to go back to jakarta b4 liveworm starts (yeay..mbak widi, we can have our little reunion.red)

second is i found out that, again i'm stuck in the middle between 2 of my friends who didn't really get along -_-. well, i'm not saying the other one is a good person, but at least she shows that she do care disaat2 gue sdg 'jatuh'. huhuhu... apa yg hrs gue lakukan?

third, as usual assignments yg menumpuks... (this one is purely my fault, too much having fun huhuhuhu.red)

anyway begitu saja keluh kesah gue...skg ganti topic ya, graduation is getting closer.. a lot of guest lectures came and talk about how to set your portfolio, what 2 do on interviews... it's just making me more nervous. and it remains me that i need to set up a plan, either stays in oz (stays in brissie or move to melb or syd?) or go back to jakarta (and start everything from sracth again? incl 'the language'). making desicions used to be easy for me, but now, there r a lot of things needs 2 b considered.

semiotics

as my mind gets heavy my body weakens...

garfield's eyes

hi... blog hari ini pake ind saja ya. gue lagi cape bgt, habis memeras otak utk brainstrom depression brochure (and i think i needed to check myself.red). trus rencananya gue malem ini mau ngetes fonts yg cocok buat dep bro, but setelah online.. ngecheck e-mail have a bit of chat and..this guy suddenly appears...

dia temen sma gue duls, emang sih gue dari dulu suka bantuin dia bikin pr walaupun kita beda jurusan (dia IPS gue IPA huhu..) dan gue jg suka nebs dia kalo pergi2 (susahnya kalo nggak bisa nyetir akibat kaki tidak sampai ketika mengijak pedal.red). but tonight is different he said hi... dan basa basi sebentar... and then.. ta da..'val could you help me with my assignment..? pls..' i couldn't say no at first..but then i realise he haven't done his assignment because he was slacking off in class.. and dia minta gue research prnya dia (agak maksa lagi.red) waduh... untung jg sih alasan gue masuk akal jadi he let me go... beside kita benar2 beda jurusan.

terus terang ajah gue kecewa, those ppl like him only came to me when they need me but none of them were there when i'm 'down'. none of them were avaiable.

that green umbrella

well, this morning i thought i'm in deep trouble with my assignments. but this afternoon i just sort one of my probs with my teacher... so i thought one problem solve, i felt relieve and i went to city to look for an idea for a b-day gift for my friend. i didn't realize that there are still a lot of assignments need to be done b4 the 25th of April... gosh... what a bad habbit..huhuhuhu... but anyway..i despite the panick attack i'm having right now, i did not regret that i went for a stroll this afternoon huhuhu...

as for the gift...honestly i still don't know what to give her??? i felt guilty though, because she spoke about places she wanted to have her dinner party... and there i was sitting next to her in the class went dumb, because i haven't bought, yet know what to give her -_-. i honestly don't know the stuff that she needed?
oh well..

hideous chicken

yep, today i was supposed to tell one of my friend that i wanna quit the perfomance group. why? it's simple because i wasn't compatible. but i chickened out!! after much thinking, i decided not to quite because i thought she might need me to support her, after all, she the one who helped get through my 'panick attack' when my wallet was stolen.

so.. i went to practice and now i realise why.. all these years when i was in school, ppl never put me on stage, they've always put me backstage (which i then fell in love with the world of backstage.red), it's because i SUCK big time!!!! oh.. i know i'm bad at performing, i can't sing, i can't act, i can't dance. i would probably look like a scarecrow once i'm on stage. and the bad news is i'm in the front line (because i'm such a short little fella.red). well, i could do a lipsinc, pretend i'm singing when i'm on stage, but i couldn't do anything about the dancing part -_-...

and silly me, i was supposed to memorise the lyrics of the song we are going to sing, but... since those song only remind me of how suck i am at performing... so as writting this blog, i'm also singing along with jamie cullumn version of sing in the rain >_<... i know i've told M and my sis that i don't like jamie but, this song change my mind...

lost

i don't know how to begin this blog... i've just receive a quite shocking news... i think i'm about to loose a friend...

i didn't realize the signs. some ppl said she is not herself anymore, but since i rarely met her i refuses to believe what other ppl had said bout her, cos she's such a dear friend to me. all this time i thought her face didn't look 'morning fresh' cos the result of a bad hair day, or bad hair cut, but... i was wrong and those ppl were right about her, she not herself, she's change..in a bad way. all this time she kept it a secret from me because she knew i would somehow oppossed. this is one of the time when i regret having a strong personality, sometimes it can drive ppl away from me. i do wanna help her, but i just don't how? and i just don't know how to gain her trust?

i don't know why as i get older it's getting harder for me to find a friend, true friendship that is? sometimes i wonder...am i a bad person? or am i just 'terlalu kaku'?

oh yeah, another bad news just came from home the first one is that my auntie suffers from breast cancer (stadium 3) and my garderner/driver/ security just got an motorcycle accident (my mom said nothing serious just a couple of bruises). this is going to be a tough semester for me, i just hope i can manage.

me and my little friend

hi there, i feel awful today, cos i had to lied to the whole bunch of ppl. plus i'm worried about my bank account, what if.. someone who had my wallet find out how to break the code and....ough..i couldn't and i don't wanna think about it..

the thougt of it has been buzzing around all day in my head, so i thought a nice day in the pool could chill it off... and boy, it really chill it off -literaly-... the water was freezing, should've known better not to go for a swim in this kind of weather (it's autumn in bne.red). but after a few strokes i didn't really mind the water temp and i might have another go b4 semester break's over.

well anyway, i've finally can chat with W, we haven't seen each other for centuries... and that's really rewarding, as if i forgot i had a probs....

the easter bunny

happy easter everyone >_<

i'm still upset because i lost my wallet, but this morning my mom reminded me that's it's just material, and i should be more gratefull that i am alive and well.

well, anyway i'm still gloomy because of other reason. gue still expecting him yg sudah jelas tidak akan menjadi 'deket' karena dia nun jauh di sana. oh well...

the song of the year...

helo there, something awful just happened huhuhu... i've lost my wallet. yep, i almost lost my brand new sunnies a few weeks ago, now i lost my wallet for real !!! well, i guess i just had to let it go... buang sial, orang jawa bilang. syedich, shock, gue masih lemes. i'm getting more and more careless lately.

but despite the awful tradegy, i found the perfect song of the year for me (altough this song's been released last year.red). it's called I BELIEVE by Yolanda Adams and it goes like this:


They said you wouldn't make it so far a a
And ever since they've said it its been hard
But never mind that night'cha had to cry
Cause you had never let it go inside
You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need so believe
And you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say

I believe i can
I believe i will
I believe i know my dreams are real
I believe i can
I believe i will
I believe i hold it soon man
That is what i do believe

Your fools are justes singing, your soul aha
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your moind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine leave all of your kiss and stress behind and
Just let it go
Let the music go inside against all the pain
It just start to believe

I believe i can
I believe i will
I believe i know my dreams are real
I believe i can
I believe i will
I believe i hold it soon man
That is what i do believe

Never mind what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all my hopes and dreams I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up, i'll keep it up
Looking to the sky
I will achieve on my knees
I will always believe

yep i do believe that someday, i would go places, esp new orleans, Brazill and Italy, be a working mom that still have time for my kids (athena predict that i got 4 kids, boy-girl-girl-boy.red). i wished that in search for the future husband just as easy as matching athena's prediction huhuhuhuhu...
and about the places, i wanted to go to new orleans because of the Jazzy things that's been going on over there, the reason for brazill is just that i love the lighthouse family song-lost in space, and they're shooting their vclip in Rio, and i've been wanting to go there ever since, and i wanted to go to italy since the day i could remember 'mbah putri' (my father's mother.red). my dad used to lived there when he was a child. well, i guess since i've never seen 'mbah putri' (she passed away just 1 month b4 i was born.red) i've always wanted to know what she's like, what she used to do, and go to places she's been. i miss her. okay i better stop b4 it gets too emotional huhuhuhu.... c ya

the Valcor Enterprise

hello there, masih dalam rangka b-day week nih... walaupun sudah lewat, cuman gue masih seneng ajah.. anyway gue cuman mau cerita soal ulang taun huhuhu.. soalnya yg taun ini kayaknya the best ever.

the reason are: 1st it's full of surprises, 2nd because i've celebrated it 24hr nonstop, 3rd because i've received a surprise sms yg cukup membuat gue yg udah excited ini menjadi hiperaktif, 4th two of my friends which i haven't been in contact for so long give me a call... i really appreciate the time and efford, considering they both lived outside bne.
ulang taun kali ini berkesan bgt buat gue, soalnya smuanya serba spontan, no plans, org2 cuman dateng ajah ke apt. i had a good time serving them as my guest, and i think my guests had a good time staying at my place (GR.red).

the dream interpreter

i can't believe it, this is only been week 2 and i already got a migrain. i've got to admit though, tuesday and thursday is the most busiest day of the week. i probably shouldn't try to push my shecdule like i've done... but i thought what i took this semester is important demi kemajuan bangsa dan negara (apa sih?).

well, good news, i talked to miss K and she said, my dreams just simply what's instore in my consious mind.

record deals

well, to be honest it got nothing to do with record deals as in signing contract with a record company... it's just the same as any of my other blog entries huhuhu... the titles just there for no reason at all...

i'm so tired today, i got a night class, then i walk home by 8.20, and still got a lot of cleaning to do, plus cooking, yep, i tried to cook my own food this year, despite the taste... i had to save money, what for u asked? i do not now for sure, i might use it for travell. oh yeah, i remembered now, i oughta save for the reunion in HongKong with Meng, Wiki, Athena and hopefully Ton. i know..it's too far for reunion but hey, the person who brought us together is Wiki and she lived in HongKong, so.. i don't really mind actually. and this time it's going to came out from my own wallet. yep, i've oughta be more independent.

i just had another strange dream last night... 1st i was in a dance class, which is so impossible, because koordinasi tangan dan kaki gue kurang bagus, 2nd a man hold me and lift me up which again is so impossible because i'm too heavy even to be push aside. 3rd, that man knows me and i guess we haven't met each other for a long time, judging by the feels of his arms when he hold me, i don't know any guy who had perasaan kangen kayak gitu ke gue (gue gitu lho.red). i guess i needed a dream dictionary after all. i saw one of that once when i was strolling with M in one fine afternoon in the South Jakarta. oh well, as long it's not a nightmare, i wouldn't mind. oh.. and another thing, i can't seem to remember the his face who is my dance partner. i wonder what that means? sometimes i wonder since i can feel what other feel tanpa disengaja... jgn2 sebenarnya ada yg kangen berat ama gue??? hahahahahaha sebaiknya gue secepatnya menyingkirkan perasaan itu, GR BERAT bo' soalnya nggak mungkin bgt!!! ato mungkin jg krn gue sedang sgt merasa kesepian huhuhuhu... so my unconsious mind creates such fantasy. i think i had to have to consult it with miss K.

fine sunday afternoon

helo... yep...you guessed it! i'm feeling so happy this moment, why? it wasn't a big deal actualy, i'm just glad he replies my e-mail. soooooo happpy...

i know, i'm over reacted, and he probably just being polite, but hey... i realised that it's really impossible for us to be together. anyway..i just like to enjoyed this moment.

sikat gigi makuro

i miss makuro, lebi, mary and pippin, dorothy, kentang, betty lou and my other ikan layars and also my 3 molly dori fish. i used to feed them at these hours and then pull out a chair near the small pond and read books for hours until my visions became blured and my neck ached.

how's my 1st week in uni? i say it's okay, as usuall i haven't really thought much about what projects i should take (d'oh.red). i went to a friend's house this afternoon, we had dinner together with his housemates and neighbours. and he asked me why am i so quite? i honestly dunno why am i so quite all of the sudden. i didn't talk as much as i used to, even to the ppl i used to chat with. i dunno if that's a good or a bad thing. i guess now i just like to watch and listen about what ppl have to say about things.

well actually there is one thing that worries me, JOB. i'm so affraid will become unemployee after i graduate. well, to tell you the truth, i could get a job easly if i want to based on relation and connection. the problem is my conscious mind tells me that i owed my uncle so much, that i don't want to ask him a favour to help me get a job. my parents were quite disappointed with my decission of not accepting his job offer. i just thought that i should try to make on my own this time, be more independent.

oh thing just strike my head, i always wanted to travell, lived in other continents beside asia pasificand africa, but i don't think i can. i think i better stay in the country. a lot of things that i'm being responsible of.

the pulp in the bulb

just like the title today's entry may not be that important to read, so u guys just can passed this one out (tapi sebaiknya sih jangan.red). well, i'm back in brisbane, and finally got online, actually i've arrived a week ago but my nose didn't really compromised (a.k.a pilek berat.red)

i'm excited, i'm sad and i'm scared...so scared to begin this new semester. why? because then again there's always someone telling me that the course i'm taking is the 'hard one'. oh well, i think..u you can't really tell untill you've experience it. oh and one thing i'm also taking the kind of projects that made my average grade low last semester. i just think i gotta keep trying until it's impossible to keep trying.

then again i'm going through an era where the 'kid' in me have to become an 'adult'. yep and it's coming in 2 weeks. whilst most people held a 'grand' celebration of that event, i'm on the contrary can't and didn't even want to think about a celebration of such event. i just don't think it's the right moment for me to be celebrating. some of my closest friend argue that because i still read Lemony Snicket and refuses to grow up. well, if any of you ever heard that rumor, please ignore it, becuase it's not true.

me, myself and the past

yep, i once made a promise to myself than i would find out about my 'roots'. well, i didn't do any research, the research came to me. my grandad gave me a very old, very hard-to-read document the other day. it was written in my mother tounge language, which i hardly understand, anyway as i skimmed through the document i recognise my grandad's name, it is on some sort of diagram. as i expected, it's a family tree, yep. know that i know who's my great2 great2 (i think it's overeacting.red) grandfather, i begin to understand why my grandad always expected the very best of me, especially in terms of 'manners'. my great great grandfather was in my history book when i was in elementary school.

i actually had wrote an entry on last tuesday, but something happened online, it made me really sad so i had to disconnect.
valentine's coming, and again i don't have 'anyone special' to share with. i can't really complaint after what i've witness today. my family had lunch with my mom's old friend from borneo. she's with her daugthers, the 1st one's still single, but the 2nd already married (she's about the same age as i am). sekilas sih pasangan ini tampak bahagia, in my mind they must've been really2 in love. but when the husband have a bit of chat with my dad, i don't really like him one bit. he's underestimating my dad. my sis think, maybe it's because the ITB factor, the husband is an ITB student. well, to be honest, in my mind, how could you be happy with someone like that? but hey, it's none of my bussiness. anyway, back to me and the 'bf' prob, i think i had to be more carefull with whom i 'fall in'.

oh yeah, another silly thought has crossed my mine for a couple of days...what if 'he' (RHS.red) is the 'one' for me, but i've just pushed him away? but it can't be? can it? after all 'he' have never 'fall' for me....
i guess seing too much pink everywhere u go can make ur mind sounds crazy huhu....

rainy days

i finally got to enjoyed transjakarta, the so called busway. it was fun. we went to Mangdu. i didn't bought a lot of stuff there, because i didn't really need a lot of stuff, i only want 1 thing and 1 thing only, but i didn't find it there. a bit disappointed but, that's ok. it's not really that important anyway.
there're good news and bad news, the good news is that i think i have a crush on someone, the bad news is as usual i don't know what to do next. more bad news... sometimes i still thought about my ex. i guess it had to stop, we had a different visions about life and how we are going to enjoyed it. i guess when you get older, those are more important in a relationships.
what've i been doing lately? read, read, and read... it's been a week of intesive reading, but still haven't finished that Angels and Demons' novel. i wonder how can ppl read just 1 night or 2?

me, myself and the future

hola, so..i've made up my mind, i've chosen my classes and i've enroled. i do not know why i've chose those classes.
beberapa hari yg lalu gue sempet ngobs ama temen gue, doi masih sma tapi udah punya rencana dia nanti mau kerja di bidang apa, udah nyiap2in diri buat industrinya. trus besoknya gue telp2an ama temen gue yg satu angkatan tp beda jurusan, dia jg udah punya gambaran mau kerja yg bagaimana, dimana, padahal dia baru lulus 1.5 th lagi. sebagai org luar gue merasa temen gue ini emang agak idealis sih, sementara yg masih sma itu gue blg lebih bisa ngeliat keadaan, ataukah dia jg membaca artikel yg sama dng gue? terus terang gue jg jd mikir sih, gue masuk tipe yg mana ya? and again to be brutally honest, i'm not even considered as one of the best student in my class, jadi gue sendiri skg nggak berani berandai2 tempat gue kerja nanti. padahal rencananya gue mau mempergunakan waktu libur ini buat berpikir keras merencanakan langkah gue selanjutnya setelah gue lulus kuliah taun ini. sepertinya rencana itu gagal.... karena gue nya sendiri jg lg nggak stabil, terlalu banyak pertanyaan2 yg masih belum terjawab.
huhuhu... ya sud tampaknya gue sdh hrs tdr.... c ya