anxiety disorder

well, someone has offered me a side job >_< hooray!!!! i tell you all about it after i got the brief.

weekend ini sangat melelahkan, walaupun gue udah tidur 1/2 hari sabtu, tp sabtu malam terpaksa tidak tidur, krn ade' gue tdk bisa tidur, jadi terpaksa gue nemenin... dan terpaksa gue membeberkan smua kisah cinta gue (berhub kt nggak ada bahan pembicaraan lain). minggu pagi bgn jam 6 kurang -ke greja-pulang, sarapan-ke bogor, nenggok sodara yg baru saja melahirkan-lunch di puncak-ke bandung, jemput ade gue yg satu lagi-pulang ke jakarta...

senin pagi, mendung, di kantor sepi sekali... -_-
daftar project s/d tgl 9 june lumayan banyak (terus terang gue senang dan sedih di saat yg bersamaan -_-)

playlist ipod gue:
1. anja garbarek - the last trick
2. beth orton - concieved
3. corinne bailey rae - put your records on

saatnya bekerja...

setelah sekian lama akhirnya i can chat with soleh -_- hmm... pembicaraan kita tidak penting sih.. tapi inilah yg terjadi at the end of our conversation:
v : 'kok gue sekarang jadi freak begini ya leh?'
s : 'udah dari dulu kok !'
v : -_-!

catatan rahasia no.102

ramalan bintang bulan ini bersinar cerah buat gue... namun, rasanya nggak mungkin ajah gitu. impossible. ingin berharap... sangat ingin berharap ramalan itu menjadi kenyataan.

rasanya seneng jg sih, setelah seminggu ini yg gue dapat hanya kabar buruk, running out of ideas, tenggorokan bengkak dan kehilangan semangat untuk doing the ewok dance -_-

ya sud sekian duls, tugas gue bertumpuk...

working on a sat morning

harusnya gue bekerja.. tapi gue chat ama wiki dan entah kenapa gue menanggis...
i guess i miss her too much...

it feels like i'm flying solo...

catatan rahasia #101

sebenarnya gue pingin punya sedan VW, tapi apa daya jakarta hujan terus menerus...

lets do the ewok dance

one rainy day on the 6th floor of an office building...
i sat down on my desk, i put my jumper on as well as the hood on my jumper, the deadline was tomorrow... and in the mist of panic rush, my body moved (unconciously) to the beat of earth wind and fire - dancing in september...
then a voice shout... 'hahaha eh loe kalo diliat dari belakang kayak EWOK deh ahahaha LOL!', and since that i am ewok.. -_-

the devil wears prada

things get out of hands this week, it probably the saddes week and most uncomfortable week i had so far, i've betrayed a friend and been betrayed by a friend too.

feels like crying but no one wants to lend a shoulder...
things a very confusing for me right now, i've lost my way, again...

goodbye goodnight

yah gue gagal nonton goodnight electric -_-
sebenarnya gue blom pulih dari kekecewaan gue ttg jamie cullumn yg cuman mampir ke singapore dan tidak ke jakarta sekalian, dan gue berharap goodnight electric bisa menghibur gue, tapi yah.. -_-

the pack!

i took the most drowsy flu pills this morning, so just guess away how am i doing in the office...-_-
plus sandra's words seems to be a bad news for me -_-

well, yesterday, the day b4 the 'long' weekend, i've made a pack with 'd' that we should never forget each other bahkan disaat kita sudah tidak 'sendiri' lagi >_<.. i made her promise me that because i got a hint that ahahahaha.. i shouldn't mention it, i might jinxed her. well, anyhu i've lost friends b4 just because they've got bf/gf... and i don't want that to happened again, i don't want to feel that sudden loneliness again... at least we can keep chatting or sms or e-mails ...

oh that reminds me the pack that i've made with wiki, that we should send each other wedding invitations ahahaha >_<

back to sandra's words, she didn't mean no harm, just spitting out office facts, and it sounded like a bad news for me... gosh, life's really are tough! okure, better get to work...

i'm your cupu nerd ex girlfriend

well, i got nothing to do, so i guess another update...

not long after my conversation with 'd', i had this dream that i met someone in the past, who used to be very closed to me..
well, i just said, ...' hi, udah lama nggak ketemu ya' and he didn't said anything, he just held my hand and we're off somewhere...

and the truth is dunno why and for some reason 'dia' suka muncul dipikiran gue akhir2 ini... maybe i just wanted to know how's he been doing, it's been years... (at this point gue menyesal dulu gue galak bgt, maafkan saya ya...)

cupu nerd

back in jakarta, hmm...

well, someone has asked me this ?s
d: ... val, loe kapan nih?
v: ntar dulu deh satu2, gue baru dapet kerja...
d: ah eloe, dari dulu jawabannya itu terus!!!

well, after i think about it she's right, there's always something in my mind hehehehe... thanks 4 ur concern 'd', to be honest i've thought about it, just dunno where to start or how even...

berita berikut ini adalah sebuah penegasan...
'i'm here .. i'm always here, you just have to know how to find me...'

untuk temen baikku yg jauh disana...

surealist

ternyata susah2 gampang ngerjain sst yg berbau surealist -_- and i feel like i'm still in uni, doing research for this project. well... that was b4 i learned that the competitor's also using surealist.. so... i guess abandon ship...

3 hari yg lalu gue nggak bisa tidur, 2 hari yg lalu gue tidur pules bgt, tadi malam gue kembali tidak bisa... yg benar2 tidak bisa tidur (plus pinggang gue sakit bgt, gue rasa-_-... gue berumur 22th dan gue menderita insomnia, dan sakit pinggang, plus sedikit krisis identitas... gwt hal ini tak boleh dibiarkan berlarut-larut.

hmm... berita selanjutnya... gue baru kmaren kerja nonstop dng konsentrasi tinggi (hebat!!! val!) alhasil, leher jg ikut sakit, tapi gue senang >_< malemnya makan di sushi tei krn baru ada yg dpt promotion >_<

hmm satu lagi, berhub gue alegrian paling muda dan tampaknya satu2nya yg tdk punya love life... munculah pertanyaan ini---> "emang tipe co loe yg kayak apa sih?"
hmm... yg seperti apa ya? terus terang gue jg bingung -_- yg jelas lebih tinggi, lebih tua 3-5th, lebih item dikit, lebih pinter dari gue, dan orgnya tegas! terlalu berlebihan nggak sih? mungkin pertanyaan ini jg yg bikin gue nggak bisa tidur semalem, gue sendiri nggak jelas maunya apa?

utter madnes

lack of sleep.. not because i have to work late, but simply because i couldn't sleep -_- (it's been 3 days.red)

i also feel that lately there's no space to be valcory... i am someone else, someone who easily get caried away. which is not good...

'we need to do something...,' naz said.. it seems that she's the only one who could understand what i'm feeling right now.

akhir2 ini gue merasa, masukan gue kurang dewasa. gue merasa kurang dewasa dlm menyikapi sst, kurang dewasa dlm memberikan komentar dll deh...
emang sih gue akui bahwa berat untuk gue menghilangkan rasa sakit hati, jika gue merasa diperlakukan tidak adil, dan sebenarnya karena gue itu orgnya merasa lebih lega jika hal2 itu gue utarakan secara terbuka, gue merasa banyak org yg salah paham, bahkan kadang nggak ngerti dan takut sama gue, jadinya masalah itu dibiarkan begitu saja, dan mereka mengalihkan topik.
sebenarnya juga gue tau kalo nggak smua hal bisa gue utarakan apa adanya. memang ada hal2 yg sebaiknya gue lupakan saja. tapi kalau gue melakukan itu sikap gue ke org itu tdk akan sama... gue akan selalu jaga jarak, sampai suatu hari nanti gue mengerti mengapa dia melakukan hal itu atau mengapa dia memperlakukan gue seperti itu...
gue harap waktu nya tidak lama, karena terus terang kesabaran gue sudah mulai menipis... dan gue harap penjelasan itu datang segera sebelum gue kehilangan rasa 'kepercayaan' gue sepenuhnya...

gue akan kembali ke bne...

ntah kenapa dari hari senin kmaren gue pingin banget kembali menetap di bne, walaupun dalam hati gue tau, tidak ada apa2 untuk gue disana. tidak ada apa2 buat gue di bne, hanya ada kebebasan dan kesendirian.

di edo

usually gue nggak suka lagu indo kalo gue tau lagunya mirip sama lagu luar. tapi... utk kasus sandy-sabtu minggu ini lain, gue tau lagu itu 'jack johnson' bgt, dan gue tetep suka >_< ahahaha..

it's a quite birthday yesterday, but i like it. i enjoyed every second of it. yesterday was exciting, happy, a bit nervous and of course i got sudden rush of panick. hmm... and also... for a spilt seconds i missed bne -_-

i dunno what else am going to say... except for thank you guys for making my day...

wind chime

well, ttg kasus sobat gue itu.. ternyata sudah merupakan fenomena alam. jadi gue harap memakluminya...

discovery channel

hari ini pake bahasa saja ya, lagi cape...
sebenarnya kmaren itu gue seneng karena gue menemukan bahwa masih ada yg berusaha keep in touch ahahaha >_<,

sebenarnya gue jg merasa bersalah karena selama ini gue tidak melihat bahwa beberapa orang telah berusaha menjadi teman yang tulus dan setia menemani gue. sedangkan gue nampaknya kurang memperhatikan mereka. maafkan saya ya, teman2. gue jg sedih karena sebenarnya gue juga merasa bahwa salah satu dari sobatku hanya peduli pada pujaan haitnya saja, dan nampak gue hanya ada di otaknya dikala dia sedang jauh dari doinya dan itu membuatku sedih.

anyhu gtg untuk membalas surat2 penggemar

not much

well, not much i can tell you right now.. hmm.. the latest news is that i got a job >_< yeah ahahahahaha finally. what drives me mad is that, on my 1st day of work i got a call from another agency, saying that i got to be in their office by 2morrow 4 an interview ... hmm -_- (knp disaat tdk dibutuhkan lagi barulah telponku berdering.red)

all i can say is that all of my projects turn out to be disaster! (honestly i feel like i'm gonna get fired in the next month or two.red). entah karena panik dng lingkungan baru ato emang otak gue masih dormant, but i loose my touch -_-...

lately i've realise that it's really easy to loose something over a silly things. really really stupid. if you thing about it...

freak school

Well then again I’m here sitting, staring, writing, fixing, singing, whilst trying, trying to find what I know it’s there, somewhere hidden. I just know that it’s there somewhere. Something I have always wish I had. I’ve seen it before, I’m so sure of it. It would probably there in front of me just lying still, dormant (my sister like to called it hibernate, I’m not sure what does it mean though.red). I know it is there somewhere, I just feel it.. no… I just found it a moment a go, but now… I’ve lost it again. Sometimes it’s there I can see it and it’s available for me to used it, but most of the time, I can’t find it anywhere.

i hate grapes

yup there you go, i hate grapes.

maybe i need to redefine myself, my goals...
maybe...

maybe i'm not supposed to be a graphic artist, maybe ...

the story of the globe trekker

hmm.. i've just visited my eye doctor (i'm sure there's a name for it but i couldn't remember.red) i quite like her, she's chill, very nice, sangat tenang. as if my porblem were not a big deal.

haven't been doing a lot lately, to be honest i still don't know what to do? nothing is fun anymore. everything i do just add more confusion in my brain. oh well...

the stary eyes

i'm not even sure if spelled that correctly.. haha
right now i'm addicted to korean tv series, so far i can only say helo, ok, i understand, and mother, ahahahaha and i'm also addicted to jamie cullumn-photograph (it's a song title.red)

for the last 15 minutes i've been staring at this job advert, haih... it seems that i don't have the courage to reply -_-.
-o- and it's also hard to say good bye to old and bad habbit isn't it? but i gotta try harder! AZA AZA FIGHTING!!! (ahahaha one of the lead female characters of the korean series like to say that >_<).
oh yes, my mobile phone has finally broken after 2 years -_-, so for these couple of days i had no phone -_-. so sad

photograph

when i look back on my ordinary, ordinary life
i see so much magic though i missed it at the time...
photograph - jamie cullum

sitting still in my home pc and think, whilst my eyes still looking for that magical words 'GRAPHIC DESIGNER NEEDED' which now made it seems impossible to be found.
in my mind goes: i've become the person i hate the most. i've said something snobby yesterday, i've seen the look on their face, and now i felt guilty. why? why? why did i said what i've said!!! why can i be just that nice person, why can just keep my opinion for myself. i guess it's time to make a new year resolution!!
1. always keep those sarcastic opinion to myself
2. always smile
3. always keeps a happy thoughts!
4. learn to drive properly!

i missed having the freedom to wonder off on my own!

me 1st and the gimmies gimmies part 2

hmm... jakarta, home sweet home...

it's only been 3 weeks, but i missed bne already. i missed my freedom actually. i got sick just a week after i arrive in jkt. i was sick in new year's eve -_-.
i went on a holiday with my family just after christmas, it was supposed to be fun, but cos i'm sick... i can't really enjoyed it. but although i'm sick i'm still a shopaholic -_-.

and now for a v update
well, i'm getting better still a bit a-s, haven't got a job. i'm in bandung right now, at my sis' place. i got nothing to do in jakarta, so i just followed her here. dunno why ppl have been looking at me as though i'm an allien or some kind, or maybe that's just my feeling. and because of that, i've been throwing some harsh comments lately, my youngest sister kinda forced me shut my mouth -_-
been having trouble with indo ppl who seems to have problem with the idea of queing! i didn't set up new year's resolution this year.

sunrise at singapore

the day has finally come... had a mixed feeling about it, a bit panick, but hey i've made it to singapore...
i couldn't sleep as usuall, but when the stewardes finally arrive to offer me breakfast, i couldn't opened my eyes... yup i had lack of coordination in between my body functions -_-

anyhu... d help me get through my final hours in bne, thanks d, i really appriciated... the things between d and s is starting to get better (yeay...), even e is trying to make things better between them... that's good, a nice end to this year..

gtg don't have a lot time for internet...

so long and good night

i couldn't fit in all my stuff to my suitcases. i'm panick now! and i'm heartbroken once again... i need to retreat

the end of the year is getting closer and this is what i found this year...
i got a question in mind... if you are friend with someone who is seems to be public enemy #1, does this make you evil as well? i guess, once again i found that you shouldn't trust what other ppl have to say about one particular person. you might never know that that person can be the one that have the solution to your problem.
i found that you can never again leave everything at the last minutes
i found that books are expensive and are heavy to carry around
i found that respecting you friend is crucial, to maintain good and long lasting friendship
i found that to forgive and forget is very hard but its important to keep yourself happier
i found that i cannot cook without a non teflon pan, it will be a disaster

iChat

aha! i woke up with sadness and full of uncertainties... but it was all blown away...

dsr diriku gaptek... akhirnya gue bisa pake iChat jg... tapi sayang nggak banyak yg punya -_-

nope i think it's definetely green and grey

yep, i change the color again...

i've been thinking a bit irational lately... i just hope i didn't have the courage to do what i have in mind right now.

it's blue and grey

i just change the colors of my cv, to green, brown and yellow. still using the same font, same design though, i quite like it the way it is, i just don't like the colors that's all.

nothing important really for today, i still felt left behind, 'tdk dihargai'.

egg pudding

ku tau tak ada yg abadi... mungkin semua kan datang dan pergi...
-coklat-

rasanya pingin marah2, kesal sekali... sangat kesal, sangat sangat kesal... sangat sangat sangat kesal, tapi sebenarnya gue nggak boleh marah2 dan tidak boleh kesal. aih... tapi tetep saja, saya kesal. ya sud lah kalau memang hrs begini jadinya... terserah, gue kan cuman mau nganterin parcel, dan gue nggak tau gue salah apa?

wah jgn2 ini seperti kasus d vs. s, seseorg merasa tdk dihargai... wah, bagaimana ini? tapi if no one tell me what did i do wrong, how am i supposed to know? oh well...

i can't do this all on my own... i'm not superman

been having another asthma attack.. sigh -_-. i promise myself i will be strong when the day came, but hey, it's still a week from my final day and i'm already crying in the corridor.

wiki came by yesterday to cook some congee, it's nice. but it kinda made me realise this is good bye in a way...
i didn't really thought it will be this hard. i thought i'm happy to leave brisbane and go back to my home town, jakarta. but why am i feeling nervous. honestly i've been feeling this mellow ever since naz went back to KL, i know i'm not really close to naz, but the thing is i hate GOOD BYE!

i've been talking to d, since it seems she is the only one available, (sly has been avoiding me, for some reasons, made me puzzled, have i done something wrong?) (wiki refuse my offer to walk her to the bus station, cos she doesn't want to see water in my face)... i'm feeling nervous actually and extremely sad, utterly confuse etc etc...
it feels like when i get back to home i have to readjust myself, i gotta adapt to the sit, to 'new' environment (well, i've worked in a design studio b4, but different company different environment, and not to mentioned different country as well!!). what if i can't fit in? what if? well, d said it's normall and i would fit in just fine... but she hasn't seen those indo designer website, i feel totally out of place, aaaaaa....

hmm... sigh... -_-

so let's lie in the sun

i think i'm addicted to that song, Song 6 by DP -_-

oh well, i got a break through about myself really... i was talking to d about her dispute with s, and i've heard both side of the story. in the way d describe s behaviour i kinda realise that i'm more like s, that's probably why i think s is right. anyhu, i can she myself in s, and d made me realise that, although i'm hurt, but it's not my call to behave the way i do. i do have problem with forgiving and letting something go.

anyhu, i actually got lots of project coming up (mostly personal sih!):
1. redesign and rewrite my cv
2. redesign this web, (and probably asked steve to built it for me)
3. design an id for luvix (what is luvix? well, you'll see it in another 2 or 3 years. if it's not here in those periods of time, well then you probably will never see it.)
4. i heard a rumor that the valcor enterprise will finally rise from the ashes.. so i probably should prepare a new id for this company.

quite but a crazy saturday morning

i woke up feeling sore all over my body, including my throat. i'm hungry but it seems that my stomach couldn't handle anything. it's been like this since yesterday. i think i had my asthma attack, cos i find it hard to breath since yesterday, it sucks feeling like this, i'm sick! but i don't feel like telling anyone. so sssht. .. this is going to be our little secret >o-

i'm psychosomatic, i can easily get sick whenever i had a lot in my mind. dunno why i think so much... dunno why i worried over things... i need to unwind.

btw, it's been crazy because i just had this crazy idea about something, and i'm excited. and that actually made my asthma even worse...

song 6

sly's car got hit by a bus this afternoon, dunno how i manage to stay calmed... saking tenangnya mungkin sly berpikir i don't care.. but the truth is, panick won't get you anywhere... (ahahaha... i can't believe i just said the exact thing my old boss used to said to me.red) anyhu the bus driver seems to be such a responsible person, so she just need to call the bus company and asked them to pay the bill.

anyhu, i'm planning to change this web, give it a new look, more design look. give it a new name perhaps. i just wish i'm not giving up a long the way. i got one color in my mind right now : GREEN.

Song 6- Daniel Powter

Now who did you ever want to be
you snapshot the girl in Tuscany
I didn't know recommend at the time
you're acting out of line
and I don't need you any more
Seeing something new is what I'm hoping for
I'm going to lose and go for a ride
Seeming that I've got time

[Chorus:]
So let's lie in the sun
You didn't want the world to know
But I'm not strong and you'll find out
And you get the rock 'n' roll
You let's groove in the high
You know you better come and get right
I don't know the question line
But the best comes back tonight

If it's cool, and you're cold
You hoping in the street to long
You taking like a fool better man
You taking like a fool in the night
And some good, some bad
You taking to the power help
You taking like a fool better man
You taking like a fool you know

[Chorus]

We would be alright
Some time I'm go long
and some time I 'm go to be another pole
And we'll go to be alright, and I'm what time ...
I'm could all, I'm could all

[Chorus]

[Chorus]


i just bought DP's album today, and i kinda like this song, although i'm not pretty sure what's this is about, but hey, it got some nice tunes in it. oh and one thing i know someone has been having the same prob with me, i wanted to tell her that it is okay to talk to me about it, if she wanted someone to talked to. but i don't know how to said it to her. and i was affraid if i have crossed the line, or maybe she just don't wanna talked about it. i mean i wasn't going to admit it at the first place untill one day i just had enough and i can't put up a smile anymore cos i'm carrying that burden. so as you all know, i'm a bit bold and i told my probs to m, and she's feeling the same too. and both of us were relieve after a long talk, eventhough we still don't know how to cope with it yet. but it's nice to know that you're not alone.

oh yeah and one thing, me and sly have been discussing about em, how she behave in the name of love. well, i've been giving some thought, i know that she's crossed the line. and it make me a bit worried. worried that i might be heading the same lane as her. well, sly didn't understand this of course, cos she had never been in mine nor em's sit b4. i guess, maybe there's some godness in em's case. it kinda gives me some perspective of what to do and what not to do. it gave me a lesson, a lesson we should all learned. (if only i could write it down, but i'm sworn to secrecy). it's kinda frustrating sometimes when you're best friend can't even understand what you've been going through. but i do realise sometimes i can't put my feet in her shoes either... so what should you do then?

sincerely yours...

remember when i told you i need a soothing words? well, i couldn't expect anyone to say it, but then as i was packing i found stack of old letters sent by m and p and of course a simple christmas card from d... i cried a while, i missed them. but hey, i'm going back to jakarta soon, so... it won't be long untill i can meet them. anyhu, as i read the letters, it soothe me really, they've said simple things like thank you, don't worry, it's really simple but i guess cos they're sincere you can really feel it in your heart that you are not alone anymore, you got them, they will always have me. it's simple and it's sincere...

i wonder have a said enough to express my gratitude that they still stand by me up untill this moment, despite all the things that i've done, despite what i've become. thank you m and p... i know i've been travelling a lot, but hey, as of the 21st of dec we'll be in the same area code ahahahaha...

to loose

how am i gonna cope this? should i just go away and disappeared from the face of the earth to forgive and forget. it's not easy to forgive isn't it? was it the curse of having such a delicate feelings? don't ppl see the signs i've put up, those colors i choose to wear? i guess i would never have a normal relationship with others if i haven't 'cure' this sit. me and n sort of discussed slightly, she don't know what to do either.

oh well, like it or not i gotta straigthen up fast, cos i'm chasing something... it's really funny, cos a part of me want to relax, but a part of me wants to rush things to get that thing... the result of this constant battle : ANGER. SADNESS. HATRED. and i can't expect anyone to understand, but i do wanted to hear some soothing (perhaps a bit of a bulls) words.


i do realise that i've been deniying myself, i can do more than this, and i am destined to do something BIG. i've been throwing excuses to my mentors to explain my bad performance and my low expectancy...
i am destined for something BIG and i can sensed it. and i do wanna change, i do wanna get rid of this uncomfortable feelings... but i don't know where to start?

tribute...

my friend's band is on the radio, i haven't heard it, but i'm sure it's awsome, otherwise they wouldn't be the numero uno in the indie chart.

hmm... what about moi? well, my newest plan is to and try yacht racing, if i don't get a job as a graphic designer. get away from the city, sail into the ocean. my sister thinks that, it would be the best way for me, considering that i adopt a-s as my way of life. ahahaha, well the truth is i'm not a-s to my close and to my old friends.

speaking of friends, i realised that as you get older it became harder and harder to have a friend and to maintain a friendship. as mar said, 'cos a good friend is really hard to find, and worth more than any gold or diamond.' i agree with you there mar, i guess what she said is a self explanatory.

saved by an e-mail

my dearest best friends,

i miss you, i really do, i just hope you wasn't so consumed with work and college, but i couldn't asked that of you, cos i know you love what you do. me myself i'm doing ok. i've manage this year ok i guess. i've met some interesting new friends myself. and of course as you would probably have guess it, making some new enemies too ahahaha. and the despite all that i still feel a bit lonely.
i'm so glad you've squeeze time to wrote those chunky extra super long e-mail, i really do. and i don't mind really. reading your e-mail is the best thing that happened to me this week. there are so many things i wanted to tell you, i don't know if i should wrote them here and now, cos i feel much better if i could talk to you in person.
oh.. what the heck, here it goes... i don't feel quite myself anymore, i feel like the big M has changed me, (i'm sure you know what i mean). i'm not the old val anymore, i'm more G'ish which i'm not supposed too (i guess). i've been hanging with ppl, who are way out of my league, and i couldn't carry myself. i guess i've been fooling myself, cos i'm trying to be them, which i'm not.
do you remember when we used to talk about them? how we used to avoid being them, because we don't want to be so typical. but on the other hand in order to be accepted is to be one of them... well, that's kinda my sit right now. they tried to convinced me the that i'm one of them, but deep down inside i know i'm not. it's been a constant battle, constant denial. and my mind almost gone mad. i dunno what to do? i hope i can see you b4 or after christmas, so i can tell you what really happened (without the coded words, and please sms P as well, i've lost her number again huhuhu). i'm so sorry that it's a less happy e-mail, cos i don't know whoelse to turn to. and i'm still in the same condition as i was 3 years ago, still wounded but more mature i guess.


oh.. i also will show you some pics from my exhibition >_<

your little friend

-val-

while you're somber

what's it like being in love? i seldom asked that to my friends, nobody knew the answer for sure... then how should i know if i'm in love? was it when i can't sleep at night? was it when the only person i could think of is him? was it when ... i suddenly lost my appetite when the slightest idea of him occuring in my mind? was it when i felt a thousands tiny butterflies in my stomach appears everytime i get flatered by him? was it when he suddenly appears in all my dreams? or was it when i know for sure that whenever i'm in trouble i can always count on him to bail me out?

well, someone did suddenly appeared in my dream a couple of days ago... someone i haven't seen in almost 6yrs, someone i hardly spoke to, is this mean... but a different person never really left my mind, i really do admired him, is this mean...

to be honest i've always avoided talking about love and relationship, feel a bit uncomfortable really... a bit sarcastic becuse mind never turns out well. dunno what drives me to start this blog with those silly ?'s on love...

ouww...another thing i wanted to tell you was that i had a pretty embarassing moment a couple of days ago, my mom had told my aunt that i'm planning to lived in jakarta instead. and she said,' what made val changed her mind? was it...-censored-...?' and she did text me to make sure she's right... and yes, my dearest auntie, you are right. how did she know? how did she sensed it? i never told that particular reason to anyone, not even to my best friends. was it too obvious? i hope not... i was so embarassed because i was always the underdog amongst my cousins, no one in the big family ever knew my plans, and now my secret plan was revealed...

anger management

i'm counting the days of leaving bne. i'm sad but at the same time i'm happy. sad, because i have to leave the things that has been my life for the past 3 years. sad to leave all of this convinience. sad to leave the 'freedom' and the sence of independence. but i'm also happy to leave too, for so many reasons that i couldn't tell you. i'm happy to leave bne because i am a 'nomad' (translation: people who likes to moves around-according to mia.red). oh and i thing i also happy because leaving bne means i don't have to hear those names that could triger my inner 'fire alarm' (dunno why i get really really pissed of when i heard those names.red) and after a quick discussion with an old friend, she suggested that that i did the right thing by leaving all those stuff behind...

to be honest, once i got really pissed off with someone, i don't want to even hear his/her name, and i don't all the people that are close to me to have any contacts with him/her. (selfish? no, i don't think so. i'm just having trouble with anger management.red)

i'm so sorry this isn't a nice edition of blog... i was pretty happy until someone mention those names that trigger my inner 'fire alarm'. i am angry... so angry...

the return of the idol

no.. it's not about the australian idol nor the the american idol nor whatever country idol...
it's the return of my 'idol'.. yep after so many months all alone without someone i could look up to, i finally found my idol...

well, not finally finally, i know this guy for quite sometime, he used to thought me many things, just by talking to him. then i became busy, we both were and we lose contacts... i'm in bne and he travels through couple of cities in asia. but now thanks to technology, i found a way... hooray... >_<
no.. i'm not attracted to him, it's just that talking to him feed my brain. i'm not a brainiac but i'm a fan of his article about life. he's young and yet he knows so many... (it safes me time to read all those books ahahaha.red)

ouw.. well...

why...

i'm tired and i'm angry...

how can ppl look so happy?
what are their secrets to happiness?
why am i unhappy?
why am i always angry?

why?
why can ppl understand me?
why can ppl accept me?

why?

blue canvas

i finally able to remember what i wanted to write ...ahahahaha

ok here it goes... i have some concerns.., well my friend been 'hanging out' with these ppl that i don't really feel comfortable with. don't get me wrong they're nice ppl, but i just don't agree with their views on life.. that's all. and since the begining, i fear that she would become one of them... i don't mind really, if she did. but stay the hell away from me!! ahahaha that's mean i'm do mind huh?
anyhu, i was talking to her about this problem i'm having... and wala.. i was so surprise on the way she made her comment... it wasn't soothing at all. at that time in my mind goes, 'she is one of them, now!' i don't get it!! and to be honest i don't like it... but what can i say... and who am i to judge...
her comment wasn't soothing at all, she made me felt worse about myself. i'm sure she didn't mean too... and it didn't solve anything.

i am not perfect, i'm sure i made a worse comments too... well, i guess at this age i'm gonna have to learnt how to consult different ppl.. and hopefully i won't make them feel worse. being a young woman, single, pretty average at everything, does make life seems hard...

piano lessons?

what have i been doing all morning?

eating chocolate...

yep, and making mock up for my packaging project, gotta take photos this afternoon.

there's so many thing i wanna talk about, but... all i can see now is only a blue canvas... dunno why?

chocolate magnets

hi...
i got migraine yesterday... got rejected again (my design i mean.red). today's got better, new ideas came up under pressure.
gotta finish everything this week if possible. include business card as well... the good news is we got an extention on our 5th assignment. hooray... although, that too i gotta finish by the 9th of nov, cos i gotta special guest coming over to bne.

been having lovely dreams which is unusuall... (i usually have nightmares everynight, whenever assignment's due). anyhu.. dunno how am i should relate my portfolio to business card.

and after all that fuzz about binding, at the end i'm doing it myself...

the audio bullys

it's late ... but i eyes seem don't wanna go to sleep yet... having a mini progress on my final portfolio...

i do not know how r they going to marked my protfolio though... i hate it.. i have to compete with 94 other students...

well... up to this moment i can only say i do not know what am i doing?

and one other thing... why can ppl just stop saying things in codes? why can't they just said what they wanted to say? i had a bizarre conversation the other day, which i totaly dunno where does it lead up to? i'm completely didn't understand what he want out of me... so i just replied it with ..'yeah.. me too >_<'
wrong move there val! oh well... maybe i was just asuming things... maybe he was just babling stuff...

ok nite nite... got morning classes ...

lucky denver mint

i've seen signs.. i've dreamt about it... my hopes are high, and i'm not gonna give up...

cameleon

the only thing that is forever is changes...

like my mind that seems to be changing everyday, yesterday it was there, now it's gone, and tomorrow would probably be there again... ppl also change, yesterday they were there, now the're gone, who knows where they will be tomorrow...

as much as i hate not having a clear state of mind, i also hate changes, and i can never do anything about it except to accept them, and adjust to it...

and i hope you are happy with what you've become...

rage against the machine

yep, it's another sleepless night...

my rage get the hold me today, and it sucks...
it sucks to finally know that, some people are more important than you...

my heart beat up very fast all day long, and i'm tired now, but i just couldn't close my eyes. although, one problem resolved by both side, but the damage is done, now then again it's up to me to let it go, but the damage is done... and i just knew i would never be the same.

bla bla bla with concerns

don't even remind me...

now it's probably officially 2 months b4 i leave the country. hopefully not forever...
i'm having doubts about life, having doubts about myself, of what i'm capabale and not capable of...
and i wish it was my resource to spend, but it's not mine, not like what you think...

well, anyhu... despite all of that i saw someone, well, from a distance, but...
he's kinda interesting, asian (not from indo though he has dark skin), seems to be 24-26ish, maybe...
but he was just visiting bne... -_-
but it was a slight relief... a good slight break from all those heavy thinking and planning i've been doing for the past week.

oh.. btw, despite all of those heavy thinking and considering here and that... the result was usually simple... but i'm not ready to decide that yet...

sedih sepi kutanggung sendiri ... (lagi)

have you ever notice that bad times always happened when you least expected? of course that is why it is called bad times....

last night.. i tried to sleep early, but i couldn't. i got this stuff that's loaded inside my head and i couldn't get rid of it!! it sucks big time!!! i thought i've resolved it, put it behind, let it go.. but somehow, it crawled back to my head last night...
oh how i longed to make it go away...

i feel like talking but... as i sign in... all i can see was that red and white sign with 'busy' said in the brackets...
guess they can't be bothered ... jadi tinggalah diriku menjalanin semua ini sendiri... ditemani dng lagu 'dying'-five for figthing.. and it's not helping... i should've change the cd...

arisan

aku cape...
tapi setidaknya sudah setengah jalan...

aku cape...
tapi aku tidak ingin tidur, karena aku masih pingin ngobrol...

aku cape...
tapi masih banyak yg harus aku kerjakan...

aku cape...
dan aku sedang tidak ingin mengerti, saat ini aku hanya ingin dimengerti...

aku cape...
karena itu aku tidak peduli ttg dia, dan sejujurnya aku senang kalau dia celaka...

aku cape...

the sound of my heart beat

one down, couple of more to go...

now what i need to do is to concentrate on what things that is more important.

have you ever look at yourself in a photo and you don't like what you see? i've been tryng to forget those words that was pointed at me, at my appreance. and that is why i rarely be in a pic, cos everytime i look at myself, those words came back to me, and it's hard not to belief in it. and it has set me back more than often. it has always makes me retreat to my most secure place instead of being out in the real world.

if only the sound of my heart beat can defeat those words that keeps echoing in my head, i could go on in life.

the 100th episode

it's been 4 years and i still hate those songs!!! this is really crazy, i went nuts, i was angry and almost screaming "LIARS" when those songs appeared on the telly. talking about crazynessity (-_-) . luckily, i wake up early this morning and saw beyonce's 'the fighting temptations' it cool my head of to realize there are some alternative... and to know that i'm not possed. (btw, someone in the past did said i might be possed, just because i refuse to do something.red) my defence was i'm not possed i'm just modern.

this morning my head was filled with Beyonce's come home. yes B you've said it it's time for me to come home, home to where my heart is, home where i belong, home is where my family is.

anyhu, my sis been practicing this rather strange english accent and said that we might move there. isn't that a great news everybody? i'm so excited, it makes my heart pumps again, as if i'm in love. i'm sure it wasn't the same as what ros and sly felt for their bf but hey... it's still is exciting...

it's time to come home...

ps: i know most of the time i'm too scared to fell in love cos i was too affraid to get heart broken but this time, i'm not affraid... i'm ready for the ride...

615

well, guess what, it's 2 hrs after, but i still need 1400 more. hahahaha, and i still haven't sleep. i'm goin nuts.. all i an think of is home home home in jakarta... i should probably go back and never leave home again....

but i'm still excited in writing this essay... no..i'm gonna take a nap now, otherwise i'll go nuts tonight...

at 6 am and i miss my bongkis and that gimmies gimmies fans

helo again.. i couldn't sleep last night, too hot even after i turned on the air con it still was too hot. so i woke up, trying to sleep in the sofa (very close to the air con.red) but still couldn't sleep, so i work on my essay, it now only reach 500 words (1500 words to go.red).

now i'm having this terrible headache, maybe it's time for me to go to bed -_- but i can't maybe a drop of sleeping pill could help.

oh and i just wanna say this..." Aha!!! dude, dirimu telah membuka kedokmu sendiri!!!" i told you no more lies and deceit...

anyhu i still wanna work on my essay, despite what i said b4. dunno why it's so hard 4 me to write an essay.....!!! oh hate it!!!

the words are h..., e... and a...

yep readers the words are h..., e... and a... and i just wanna get it out of my head. i've manage to get rid of it for several days, but as soon as i get online, it all came back to me. the reasons why am i insist on living by myself in a small apt.

huh... i just realize that i'm not ready and i'm sacred, i'm freaking out. why did people believed that i can do it, while me on the other hand, i don't think that i can do it.

oh yeup, i've been trying to prove a theory (this one is v secret, sorry guys -_-.red), well, it didn't work, despite what the legend said, my experiment prove the otherwise ... and i'm so dissappointed... -_- the result made me feel weaker and weaker every single day...

what lies beneath

I could think of an intro for today’s entry, I just wanna pour my heart out…
Well, what would you do if you knew something about A but A thinks you don’t have a clue, and this A person is trying so hard to cover it up. Hoping that you would never knew about it? hmm… should you just play along with this cover up game? Or …
Well, at first I didn’t really mind, but now it’s getting ridiculous. I can stand being left alone in the dark, I thought I’m your friend dude… kenapa loe kudu nyembunyiin kenyataan itu dari gue?

oh and another thing, what if your friend gotta chose between you and her bf? would you stay away from her cos she seems so happy with him, or would you ... this is kinda confusing huh? my friends bf thinks i'm a bad influence cos i'm a freak. on one side i really wanted her to be happy, but on the other side i don't wanna loose a dear friend...
oh valcory... let her be happy, u used to be on your own anyway... -_- and there you go once again i lose another friend... i guess it's also about time you leave bne...

so to do 2morrow: ask about shipping company, ask about tickets (make sure it's oneway ticket)

ps: dude i know... but i still wanna hear you say the truth to me....

while watching the emmy

hmm... i thought the nightmares are over for sure, but it didn't. i couldn't sleep, rain keep pouring in my cheeks. and as usual no one was there... the funny thing is i don't remember why and what? why did i cried all night? but it did affect my mood today.. hmm..-_- i was sad and gloomy, couldn't event think... feels like talking and pour my hearts out but no one was there...

sealed memory

hey guys... it's so nice not having to work everyday. yep my days in the studio are over, now i can concentrate (well, trying) on my college assignments.

hmm.. today was very windy in bne, very very windy, so i can't go anywhere -_-
so... i cooked, spaghetti with garlic and japanese seaweed sprinkles and watched tv. although i had to stayed home all day, i found something inside of me that i...well you can say sealed very tightly. i really like this movie, because i can connect with it. well, sly always thought that i had a happy childhood, well, i tell you what sly, i had had my share of cloudy days. it's very funny how i manage to surpress that memory for so long if i hadn't watched that movie today, i would probably wouldn't remember it. but anyhuu, what that girl went through and how she reacted was more elaborate compare to what i went through, but i still remember what's it like to be in her shoes. i was angry and very sad. but i'm over it now.

another thing... i just realise that life is all about choice. so i've this wishful thinking:
i wish to have someone to talk to about these unforseen choices, and if did chose a bad one, i wish that person would stick by me...

(i'm being cheessy am i?)

my life so far

i found this stuff on the bullboard, i thought: this is kinda interesting was of looking at my life...

( ) smoked a cigarette

( ) crashed a friend's car

( ) stolen a car

(x) been in love

( ) shoplifted

(x) been in a fist fight

( ) snuck out of your parent's house

(x) had someone who had feelings for you that you didn't have back
(kayaknya pernah deh)

( ) been arrested

( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend

(x) skipped school

( ) seen someone die

(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends

( ) been to Canada

( ) been to Mexico

(x) been on a plane

( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire

(x) eaten sushi

(x) met someone from the internet

( ) been at a concert

(x) taken painkillers

( ) love someone or miss someone right now

(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by

( ) made a snow angel

(x) had a tea party

(x) flown a kite

( ) built a sand castle

( ) gone puddle jumping

(x) played dress up

( ) jumped into a pile of leaves

( ) gone sledding

(x) cheated while playing a game

(x) been lonely (almost everyday)

(x) fallen asleep at work/school

( ) used a fake ID

(x) watched the sun set

(x) felt an earthquake

(x) slept beneath the stars

(x) been tickled

(x) been robbed

(x) been misunderstood

(x) petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo

( ) won a contest

( ) run a red light/stop sign

( ) been suspended from school

( ) been in a car crash

( ) had braces

(x) felt like an outcast/third person

(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night

(x) had deja vu (often)

( ) danced in the moonlight

(x) liked the way you looked

(x) witnessed a crime

(x) questioned your heart

(x) been obsessed with post-it notes

(x) squished barefoot through the mud

(x) been lost

( ) been on the opposite side of the country

(x) swam in the ocean

(x) felt like dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep

( ) played cops and robbers

( ) recently colored with crayons

(x) sung karaoke

(x) paid for a meal with only coins

(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't

(x) made prank phone calls

(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue

(x) danced in the rain

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus

( ) been kissed under the mistletoe

( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about

(x) blown bubbles

( ) made a bonfire on the beach

( ) crashed a party

( ) gone rollerskating

(x) had a wish come true

( ) jumped off a bridge

( ) ate dog/cat food

( ) told a complete stranger you loved them

( ) kissed a mirror

(x) sang in the shower

(x) had a dream that you married someone

( ) glued your hand to something

( ) kissed a fish

(x) sat on a roof top

( ) screamed at the top of your lungs

( ) done a one-handed cartwheel

(x) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours

(x) stayed up all night

( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree

(x) climbed a tree

( ) had a tree house

(x) scared to watch a scary movie alone

(x) believe in ghosts

( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes

( ) broken a bone

(x) been easily amused

(x) caught a butterfly

(x) laughed so hard you cried

( ) cried so hard you laughed

(x) forgotten someone's name

( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house

( ) loved someone so much you would gladly die for them

seaweed and cowboys boots

it's so amazing to see that someone i know actually get his dream job, it gets my spirit up again seeing that you really can reach the stars...
just a second before he told me the news, i was almost given up my craving for learning because i'm tired and i don't think i could make it. thanks dude i owe you one...

passivity

i am so not good at being passive and just listen without making truthful comments. i've tried the other day and it made my head ache all day.

and i also hated this sit where i am not able to decide what to do next...

the ultimate everything

ok... here are the good news, my friends sly fnally got the 'post man' bag she wanted.. hip hip hooray, cos she finally see and agree with me in terms of patterns and she got the ultimate bag!!!! for me i haven't got my ultimate bag, but i got lots of handy dandy trustworthy bags >_<

in the car she went on and on about buying the ultimate wallet together (same style different colors)... and my mind went nuts!!! ouw.. kay... the ultimate wallet, well, the things is... i can't get them now, cos :
1. i couldn't afford it,
2. it's not my time to wear the ultimate wallet,
3. even my 'ladies' wallet is still sitting nice and tightly in her box in my cupboard
so...
it's gonna take a long time until i finally bought the ultimate wallet and bag.

and all those talk about the ultimate wallet... i realise it today that although having the ultimate wallet is going to be very indulging, i have another brands of my own personal taste, and apparently not many ppl have heard of these brands, so today i went on the net and investigate...
and it turn out that these brands mean nothing if you compare it with the ultimate, gee weez, no wonder not alot knows about it. but anyhuu.. i like te website, clean and simple, realiable, and shows good quality hmm... feels like click and buy...-_-

ow... another thing, yesterday i witness that good deeds indeed get rewarded... and it made me feel so good... i'm happy..

now enough talking... it's time to get back to write down the ultimate resume huahahahaha...

break

i think i'm gonna take a break for a while, to cool my head off....

so c ya in the future...

THUNDER BOLTS !!!!

SEBEL...rasanya ingin marah, sangat ingin marah2, rasanya pingin gebukin org... walaupun itu berarti nantinya bakalan gue yg babak belur karena org yg pingin gue ajak berantem itu co -_-... tapi apa mau dikata... gue KESEL bgt!!! dia pikir dirinya siapa??? dr jaman dulu kala gue jg udah nggak suka sama nih anak, dan skg batas kesabaran gue sudah habis...

beginilah resikonya hidup solitaire, gue nggak punya backing -_-... KESAL!!! HUAH!!! berani2nya dia main fisik....GUE nggak takut sama loe!! lain kali pick somebody your own size!!!!

sayang sekali the LW bashing gank (lana, elliot, akane)nggak bisa dieksport ke jakarta...-_-! Gue sebal, sebal...huah!!!

life..

How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many time have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?

How many time have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, all her life

Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
It's all messed up, but we'll survive
All messed up, but we'll survive


i used to hate it when my sis put this song on the player, but now i have to i can stop singing this song...

have you ever got problems with trust? especially trusting someone who'd hurt you in the past? i do, and i dunno how to overcome it? the usuall solution to that is to 'tdk berususan dng org itu lagi...' but then time has change and i'm getting older, i can't keep doing that...
oh well, if anyone know how... you know how to reach me...

as happy as a bee

someone said to me yesterday, 'lagi happy ya?'
and i didn't answered it, i kept on singing and humming all of those naif's songs... only little miss k knew what's been going on with me really

and all of those humming was just a cover up... why didn't i said it out loud? i dunno, i guess after last year, i kinda get used to keeping things about me for myself...

run run run with the wind

hey, yep feels like running, run run far far away from here...

i was wondering around aimlessly on friday afternoon straight after work, and it felt so good, terutama karena papan SALE bertebaran dimana2, but.. i didn't buy anything except book and mags.

and now i think i know what my kind of a perfect weekend is: wondering around aimlessly in queen st on friday afternoon, wake up late on saturday morning, watch cartoons all day, doing laundry, ironing, church on sunday morning, then go to one of those art market, go back home, buy groceries in the afternoon then doing HM like a crazy horse (what the?)

anyway shopping or at least window shopping really do can help me when i'm sad, stressfull or confuse, so i suggested this therapy to one of my friend, well at least for her she won't be needing a window shopping anyway, cos she got all the money in the world (but this is not my point), anyhu... she then said to me,'itu hanya kebahagian sesaat...'
i was shock, why because the truth is i didn't meant to say that the actuall physical material could make you happy, but the fact that you go out, have some fresh air walking down in queen's really does wonders to my confused little brain.
well, i guess i didn't explain it very well to her then... -_-

and after much consideration i think it's gonna be hard for me to leave bne, i have to admit, i don't think it's my time to leave, but i can't see any other way that can make me stay longer in bne. on the other hand... i don't wanna be part from my family too long... they are the only thing i got left in this world, the only thing that matter the most to me... the only ones who were there for me when i'm down, the only ones that can lift my spirit up and running again...

ouw.. i also got this advise from someone.. for me it's a bit strange:
i was telling this person about my strangest thoughts (dunno why i always feel safe to share all of my wacky, strange, abnormal, overreacted thoughts with this person), the one thoughts that have always make me feel a bit uncomfortable, anyhu.. this person only said like this, ' the thing you want the most in this whole wide world won't be given to you because you have another job, your work is not finish yet... it will interfere with your work if He gave it to you now. when will you have it then? well, i think until you can help those who need your help and friendship, and until they can stand on their own feet, that is when you'll find what you've want the most in the whole wide world...' and a drop of rain fell in my cheek ...
' i'm sorry val, i don't know why i said that... but i think that's your road...'
smoga saja gue bisa jalanin smua ini... and this person also said...'kalo ngasih wangsit ke org yg bener... waktu itu loe ngaco ngasih wangsit ke gue, tega loe val, gue laporin nyokap loe... oh iya, skali lagi maap ya atas my brutal honesty, sebelum tidur dengerin lagunya marcell duls trus nanggis yg puas krn esok hari you gotta face the world with a big smile in your face...>_< gue percaya loe pasti bisa ngejalanin semua ini val...'

gado gado boplo di deket rumah mas adri...

hey ya, the news is out diriku predictable, terlalu tegas dan terkadang menutup diri...
it's been 2 days and 3 minutes since i came up with plan B, masih sangat2 bersemangat tentunya... dan rasanya susah sekali menahan diri utk tdk bercerita kpd siapa2... tapi apa boleh dikata, kali ini gue harus bisa menahan mulut besarku ini supaya tidak gagal lagi rencanaku.

gimana ya... akhir2 rasanya aneh bgt, sedih, takut, excited, panik, curiga, ragu2, stress... dunia gue nggak mantep, dan gue nggak suka, gue pingin semuanya itu jelas adanya. gue kangen saat2 dimana gue bisa bengong in my fave spot, staring blanky at nothing and gone back home with red nose (karena masuk angin.red), planning my future, day dreaming, tapi saat ini gue seakan tidak ada waktu untuk benar2 mendengarkan apa kata hati gue. gue sibuk menutup diri gue dengan pikiran yg serba paranoid ini.

permintaan maaf selanjutnya kepada little miss r, gue tidak bermaksud mengintimidasi dirimu, to be honest, nyokap jg suka negur karena gue terlalu tegas. dan mungkin sebaiknya dirimu tidak dekat2 dng gue... buat mas c maaf ya saya tidak bermaksud menakut2ti pacar anda...

apa jadinya gue ya... punya temen cuman segelintir... tapi akibat sifat dasar gue yg 'kurang flexible' temen2 gue pada takut smua...

oh iya berhub dulu gue pernah disakiti oleh certain types of group of ppl, sampe skg gue masih menghindari tipe2 org2 kayak gitu.. (en little miss p, teman2mu masuk golongan itu, jadi maaf ya gue slalu kbr kalo loe lg brg temen2 loe.red)

the verdict

this would probably be a bad news to sly, but it's a good news for me, it's impossible to get a PR in oz, cos, not enough points. little miss akane just told me this morning...

so.. plan B is to find another city for me to explore... where to go next? was i shock to hear the 'verdict'? nope, cos i already had one particular city in mind... and i'll reveal it on december...

the bumble bee...

hmm... rasanya lega bgt akhirnya bisa ngeluarin uneg2 gue, lega karena gue nggak sendirian di dunia ini yg merasakan hal itu. thank you little miss M...

a date at 6.30am

hi there, i'm glad to announce to you that the nightmares has stop. no more nightmares, at least last night's dream is a good one. and it goes like this:
i was in a village, and it's early in the morning, someone knock on my door and asked me if i would like to take a morning walk with him (i couldn't see his face though). so there we went for a walk, the sun was just rising, the smell is very indonesian morning. then dunno how he lead me to this cramp small space which of course being a clusterphobic, i don't like it. he climb up this very steep stairs, dunno why i followed him, although it's very uncomfortable, but he lend his hand to help me climb up. we went up and saw the whole village from high up. the view was not as beautiful as the view in mt cootha. but i feel safe (i'm also affraid of high places) and home i can feel the warmth of home...
then he said,' do you like it?'
... i nodded
...' next time we'll take a walk along the river bed..'

but it's just a dream...

heavy

well, finally i get to throw what's been bottled up inside of me all this time. i got to chat with my mentor, although he's extremely busy, i think he knew i'm in critical condition, and that 'i am my own best friend' -motto of mine didn't actually work.

anyway, the funny thing was he said, ' what's wrong with you, dude? u r stronger than most ppl your age. come on, you can stand up again, you've been through worse sit than this. Don't you ever give up! DON'T GIVE UP!' it's funny because he's right, i am stronger and i will not give up. i'm gonna keep on fighthing. and then when all of this is over i am gonna come home.

and what a relieve.. it felt so good to finally said those words...

ow.. news flash from home, i rang up my little sis tonight, and she when nuts, she answered the phone and the moment she recognise my voice she started to sing this song:
' ayam ayam... bebek, bebek.. bebek..'
i think she's lonely back home, she's so sweet when she's lonely, don't worry sis, i'm coming back soon, and we'll have our routine arguement in the afternoon again.

i seriously wanna go home, dunno how to break it to little miss r and s though, how should i tell it to them that i don't belong here...

evicted

ready for some and more sad depressing entries? i'm sory guys i promise to be more optimist, but ...

oks, pake bahasa indo ajah yah lebih enak... gue stress, dan tampaknya yg menyadari hanyalah little miss shirley, tenkyu ya shier... gue bener2 nggak tau mesti gmn nih.. gue udah nggak suicidal sih, although saat ini gue hanya ingin, duduk di pinggir kali dan menanggis, tapi sayang cuaca tidak mendukung -_-.

the problem with C

hmm.. what's interesting is i got lost last monday, i took the wrong bus, and... i have to walk quite far, lucky the sun was still up. but... i found this really nice apartement. it's seems almost perfect untill i saw one corner of that apt's lobby, and it remind me of that place that i hated the most in this whole wide world... then i change my mind about moving... i don't wanna feel jailed again.

now... let's talk about C, i think i'm loosing it, infact i don't have one. how can i get my C again? this is really funny because i know some ppl that overC, where do they get it? snytch said they bought it on sale at cash converters...
seriously i gotta find my C back. but i dunno know how... how not to be pesimistic, but also not overC?

crash and burn

hi...
hmm... i've been having this suspicious thoughts about one of my sister's friend, i don't like him at all. dunno why? i just don't like him.

and i've been wanting to have some serious talk with my mom... cos i'm scared, now i'm scared to even dream to have a 'that' job. not that i don't think i can do it, but because...

i dunno.. i dunno what to do, what to think, and what to even hope... i feel don't feel like talking, not a word. cos when i talked, words that came out of my mouth is crap.

the space between

if you're asking me how i feel right now? to be honest not good, but bad either. i'm still shock after reading the that blog, she got a point though althoug i'm not totaly agree. but i hate to admit that she got a point. i hate it, it made me hate my status right now.

what make things even worst is that i got this hm where i have to sort of objectively see myself 5 years from now... gosh, i used to have some imagination of what am i going to be... pretty high, now all i can think of is home, being with my family, and have no care in this world what so ever on carreer... i think that's what my older cousins have been doing for these last few years.

btw i think this is what i'm gonna be writing:
in 2010 i'll probably be in jakarta, yep, i dunno what company i'll be working for. magazine perhaps, so i could learn a bit here and there on journalistic as well. i would also start to build my own children clothing shop, where i design the clothes and my sis will design some accessories. what would i be driving? land rover freelander of course.. NOT hahahaha i would probably get myself toyota innova or nissan x-trail. marrieage status? dunno... don't wanna think about that!!!! i hate that subject!!!

sonete

i've just read one of my friend's blog, geesh... it took a lot of courage to tell it like it is, i didn't expect she would wrote something like that. you go girl..

although having to read it made my feelings worst and worst, and it make me realise no matter how much i'm enjoying my day... at the end of the day i don't have anyone to come home too. yep i'm a lost soul, hiding in this small cubicle called an apartment. and all this time having those lovely thoughts just to keep my engine up and running didn't really help... and who am i kidding... i wanna go home, home.. home... i wanna go home...

phoenix

someway somehow i miss 'you'... where r 'you'...

anyway it's monday morning back to 'reality' lots of work to do, no ideas what so ever on how am i gonna tackle those 'real' client briefs.. ough.. i've been wanting this opportunity since last year, and now when i finally get it i get cold feet.

i've been thinking of going back home after graduation, i dunno if that's a good idea, and i thought everyone will be happy for me, but apparently not. they wanted me to stay, well i'd love too, but i dunno if i can, guys...

ough what am i doing should be getting back to work...

koyo...

it's only the 1st week back to study, but i feel really tired everyday. i dunno if i could keep up with this. and when i'm tired i get annoyed easily. it feel like i wanna lay my head on 'your' chest. my design got rejected again, first it got 'stolen' then it got rejected. then there i was sitting blank staring at my 'white' screen, i could feel my eyes getting redder.

tonight i heard the uncut version of 'little miss C, the suicidal girl'... i've heard my friends comment about that girl...- although i got to admit that her reason for her suicidal behaviour is very stupid- but i kinda.. sometimes, most of the times been having a serious thought about death, where do we go after this? what if my life end here right now, at this very moment? and why am i still alive? what is my purpose in this world? all of this thinking make me realise that i do need 'you'. i'm scared and only 'you' can calmed me down. i'm angry, angry with the cruelty and the unfairness of this world. angry at the enviness that surounding this world. i'm angry, so angry that i just wanna be with 'you' because i know 'you' will never hurt me, even if 'you' did, i know 'you' didn't mean it. my heart is safe with 'you'.

so... now, when are 'you' going to come for me, i'm kinda tired waiting for 'you'...


diriku lelah menunggumu yg tak kunjung datang...

Kau

ntah knp malam ini terasa lebih berat dr kmaren...


...hatiku mengucap kata merindukanmu, laksana nyata manis nuansa
...dan jika gemitang tiada lagi melagu, kisahku yg mencinta dirimu... kau slalu abadi
(gemitang-andien)



then came the rain...

malam ini aku kembali sendiri, menikmati hujan...
dan tak ada jalan lain selain menikmati perihnya luka ini..
tiada yg bisa mengobati rasa sakit ini, hanya Kau yg bisa
entah kapan luka ini akan tertutup, mungkin jg tdk akan pernah...
saat ini aku hanya ingin menanggis dan menanggis...

dry droopy eyes

mungkin karena hari ini gue berpisah dng keluarga, dan tak tau kapan bisa berkumpul kembali... rasanya pilu bgt malam ini, mungkin jg krn gue masih blom bisa melepas rasa itu...mungkin jg krn sebenarnya gue kecewa...

bener kata loe ndi, jgn terlalu dekat sama org, nanti kecewa...gue sedih, niat gue baik dan tulus utk membantu org ini, tapi ternyata dia menganggap remeh gue dan hanya memikirkan dirinya sendiri... dia yg telah gue anggap sodara gue, dia yg ternyata hanya memikirkan dirinya sendiri dan meninggalkan gue disini bimbang tak tentu arah. bagaimana harusnya gue katakan kepadanya, tinggalkan gue sendiri, jangan sakiti gue lagi...

scare crow

hi... i'm home at last, but not for long, in 3 days i'm going back to the place where it used to be my sanctuary...

have you ever feel like you've lost everything? well, i haven't, not hoping too anyway... but i'm starting to feel like i could lose everything... another funny thing is..after a long talk with my dad, and despite segala bentuk 'kegalakan' gue... gue takut... yup, i'm scared, scared of getting to know someone too close, scared i might get hurt one day, scared of being too nice to people, scared i might hurt someonelse's feeling...

oh well...

weak beak tweak freak...

the rain is gone, then came the sun and the dry wind plus dust... it never been this dusty in bne, and i'm allergic to dust, so.. my nose is running and now is swollen and apparently i'm running out of my allegies tablet, so i replace it with flu tablet... and it always make me weak and lying helpless in bed..

well, i guess it's a good thing considering that i'm so angry and felt annoyed by someone. i've never felt this annoyed b4. it feels like i wanna shout at her face telling her that her behaviour annoyed me so much, i just couldn't stand her... but i also realise that it will only hurt her feeling and i will not get my messages accross to her mind that COPYCAT IS A CRIME...

and since i'm so weak right now, i can't confrot her and tell that to her, guess i gotta wait until i'm somber...

blame it on the weather

it's been raining in bne this last couple of days and the effects are: endless mourning over something that is unimportant, sleeping like a bear, more laziness... including laziness to talk...(can you imagine me, valcory, with out talking?)

it's just weird i'm feeling lonely at home, so i called my friends, but i only said helo then.. i was hoping that they would do the talking, but... it turned out that they also having the same probs... too lazy to even talk..
then night came, someone did called me to talk, this time she was willing infact, she was keen on talking, but... then i'm already too lazy too talk and too lazy to even listen...

sendiri

sedih sepi diriku sendiri lagi...
entah mengapa... dan sampai kapan gue akan terus merasakan this 'lonely in the crowd' feeling?

just blank and blur

hey.. guest what.. i did another stupid things this weekend, yep i know, i should've restrained myself and still kept myself as a solitaire person whenever i'm not somber.. but i didn't. i'm tired, i'm irrational, sad, and confuse and i went out. the result: not good, i think i've insulted someone, and tidak sengaja mengetahui sst yg seharusnya tdk gue tahu. padahal mereka sudah 1/2 mati menutupi kenyataan itu dari mata gue, well, honestly i don't really care of what they did, and i wish i could just said that upfront so they don't have to... mati2an trying to covered the 'truth' in front of me.

have you ever wanted something so bad but you just couldn't have it? and the only thing you could do is wait.. and hope..

glownessities

yep another sleepless night, lightning struck, thunderboltz, a stab in the wound...

and nobody was here...

the chunky truth i didn't realise b4

gue dapet artikel ini dari temen gue Louise, kagets jg sih knp kebetulan begini ya? baru kmaren gue ngomongin soal co ma sly. knp sampai selama ini gue blom nemuin si dia yg akan menjadi 'rumah' buat gue. kita ngomongin co2 yg pernah ada dlm hidup gue, yep termasuk si bule yg pernah kerja di gedung aptnya sly dan jg michael si penjual jas dan spatu skateboard. lucu ajah, selama ini gue merasa hidup gue adem ayem ajah, gue ngerasa nggak ada co yg 'pdkt' ke gue selama 2 th terakhir ini (kec si ian), ternyata baru kmaren si sly ngomong kalo sebenarnya udah 2 org yg mencoba, tp nggak ada yg lulus sensor. benarkah sly? lucu ya.. gue nggak sadar... gue pikir si brunei itu cuman bercanda, ternyata...
selama ini gue merasa 'cinta' gue selalu bertepuk sebelah tangan krn co yg gue suka mungkin bahkan tidak tau ttg perasaan gue, tapi ternyata gue jg telah mengandaskan impian org lain... dan gue merasa bersalah...
sebenarnya apa indikasinya 'pdkt' sih? terus terang gue masih sangat2 dodols utk urusan yg satu ini... i't's just like i'm still using illustrator 10 padahal yg lain udah pake adobe cs2 hahahahaha
anyway begini bunyi artikel nya .... feel free to make comments ya... gue kan nggak bisa nilai diri gue sendiri...


WANITA PISCES

Ia suka berada dalam dunia mimpi daripada dalam dunia nyata. Ia lemah dan sensitif untuk urusan "cinta". Ia dapat menangis jika sahabat baiknya putus, dan ia dapat merasa sangat bahagia jika teman baiknya mendapat pacar baru yang ganteng, dan kaya, walaupun hal itu sama sekali tidak berhubungan dengan dia.

Anda mungkin terkejut karena tahu bahwa dia menjadi pemalu ketika sedang jatuh cinta. Lebih kurangnya itulah wanita Pisces. Ia menyukai hewan-hewan kecil dan berbakat melatih hewan. Ia memiliki indra keenam dan ia dapat menebak apa yang akan terjadi kemudian, hal itu adalah sifat alaminya. Walaupun ia memiliki indra keenam yang bagus, ia tidak dapat memilih atau meramalkan kekasih pilihannya.
(soal indera ke-6 itu bener, gue pernah mimpi kalo si doi blg mau putus ma temen2nya dan nggak berani blg ke gue. ternyata ... 2 minggu kemudian treng teng... dia ngomong beneran -_-)

Ia tidak dapat membedakan antara seorang pria yang tulus dan seorang pria yang hanya ingin datang dan pergi. (benar bgt!!!)

Ia suka membeli dan memilih pakaiannya. Ia suka berdandan manis dan tampak manis. Wanita Pisces cenderung cantik
dan memiliki kulit yang bagus. Tangan dan kakinya kecil dan lembut. Wanita Pisces suka berbelanja sepatu layaknya mengkoleksi mereka. (khususnya spatu balet hahahaha >_<)

Ia adalah wanita yang "hot", semua orang menginginkannya. Entah dia memiliki pria tertentu dalam hidupnya atau tidak, ia
akan selalu mencoba untuk tidak berada dibawah kaum pria. Hanya berpikir begitupun ia tidak akan mau. Ia percaya bahwa kaum pria dapat melakukan banyak hal lebih baik, dan ia akan membuat pria dalam hidupnya merasakan hal itu.
(gue 'hot'? kayaknya terlalu berlebihan deh -_-)

Ia adalah tipe wanita yang tidak terlalu rumit dan sederhana, maka, demikianlah juga untuk hidup bersama dirinya. Ia
adalah wanita yang penuh percaya diri dan suka membuat siapapun yang ada disekitarnya merasa bahagia. Ia tahu bagaimana cara menyenangkan dan menghibur seorang pria.

Jika sesuatu berjalan tidak benar, ia akan berusaha untuk membuat orang lain percaya bahwa hal itu semua terjadi karena orang lain, bukan karena orang yang dicintainya. Ia tidak akan mendorong pria-nya menjadi ambisius, tetapi lebih cenderung akan membuatnya merasa bahagia dengan apa yang ia miliki sekarang. Ia bahagia dengan anda karena apa adanya anda.

Wanita Pisces, jika memiliki masa kecil yang buruk, akan selalu mengingatnya, dan hal itu akan membuat dirinya menjadi wanita yang sangat tidak berbahagia. Ia akan selalu mengasihani dirinya dan merasa kasihan dengan dirinya sendiri. Ia cenderung akan menyakiti diri sendiri tanpa menyadarinya dan menjadi sangat mudah terseret dalam dunia obat-obatan (baik narkoba maupun pil penenang).
(masa kecil gue bahagia kok, selalu bermain di luar rmh, makanya jadi 'imoets' huhuhuhu)

Ia memiliki banyak sekali pilihan dan anda tidak dapat pernah meramalkan jalan mana yang akan ia tempuh. Jika anda mencintainya, maka peluk dia erat-erat, karena dia tidak akan pernah tahu apa, bagaimana, dan mengapa ia akan melakukan sesuatu.

Ia memiliki karakter yang kompleks. Anda akan berpikir, bahwa ia adalah orang yang lugu dan pemalu, yang tidak akan dapat menyakiti siapapun, dan ternyata anda salah. Anda kemudian berpikir bahwa ia adalah orang lemah yang membutuhkan perlindungan, salah lagi. Ia telah banyak makan asam garam kehidupan.

Ia adalah seorang pemimpi, dan menyukai kata-kata "cinta", jadi ia adalah tipe orang yang akan memberi hadiah bagi siapapun di acara apapun, terutama jika hadiah ini dikhususkan untuk acara pernikahan atau ulang tahun pernikahan, bahkan untuk seseorang yang belum tentu ia kenal dengan baik.

Berhati-hatilah jika anda jatuh cinta pada wanita Pisces. Ia dapat menjadi orang yang benar-benar berbeda sebelum dan setelah anda berpacaran dengannya. Ia dapat nampak bagaikan malaikat sebelumnya, dan ketika telah berpacaran, ia dapat nampak bagaikan nenek sihir, tetapi memang tidak ada yang sempurna, bukan? Ia akan menjadi orang yang lembut dan baik, maka anda tidak perlu kuatir.
(hmm -_- better ask andi about this one... menurut gue sih gue emang bukan 'angel' and sangat jauh dr figur 'angel'. intinya i'm not an 'angel')

Ia adalah orang yang emosional dan sangat sensitif ketika ia sering disakiti. Ia adalah tipe orang yang akan menangis tersedu-sedu untuk melegakan perasaan hatinya. Ia memiliki perasaan ketakutan yang dipendam dalam hatinya, walaupun ia mengatakan ia tidak memerlukan siapapun dalam hidupnya.
(huhuhu...ketauan deh -_-)

Ia sangat membutuhkan seseorang untuk melindunginya, tetapi terkadang ia menyembunyikan perasaannya dengan bertingkah keras kepala. Ia suka menyembunyikan perasaan malunya, dan kelemahannya dari musuhnya. Ia tidak suka mengikuti aturan tetap. Ia akan dapat menjadi ibu rumah tangga yang baik jika anda tahu bagaimana menanganinya. Banyak pria akan memintanya menikahinya karena ia sepenuhnya wanita.

Jika ia ingin menjadi wanita yang manis, maka ia akan menjadi benar-benar bagaikan malaikat.

mr n mrs smith

as usual title and what's written in this blog got no connection whatsoever... although..it does contains some clue to what i've been doing lately... penasaran?

hmm essay masih blom kelar, perkembangannya slow motion... -_-
mata gue udah mulai burem2 lagi nih...payah, trus hr ini get cought red handed lagi... memalukan sekali -_-

minty fresh

yeay.. my partner in crimes, sly is back in bne huhuhu...what a relieve >_<. she kept my mind busy with our so called 'new project'. so... gue nggak lagi mikirin si 'ex'. but i think i'm bound utk bolak balik bandung-jakarta because of our project.

i'm also still still busy working my way out from assignments and portfolio, and also where should i go, what should i do after i graduate?

oh well, i should've start writting my 2000 words essay, it's due tomorrow!! but at mean time, i wanna sing this song first -_-

it's about time- Jammie Cullum

walking down to the water's edge
where I have been before
if I don't find my love sometime
i'm walking out that door
some may come and some may go
but no-one seems to be
the person I've been searching for
the one whose meant for me

chorus
biding my time, trying to find a heart that's lonely
looking for her (him), my love my one and only
maybe I'll dream, tonight about the girl (man) who'll be coming my way
so I'll take this chance and celebrate the day
when I'm making my way through an open door
i've got some love and so much more
and I"m ready to make someone mine
making my way through an open door
i've got some love and so much more
and I'll find her, 'cos it's about time

you try too hard and it feels just like
you're running on thin air
why does luck happen by suprise
if you don't really care
the past is gone the flames are out
from fires that have burned
new ideals and different thoughts
from lessons I have learned

chorus

got the feeling this could take a pretty long while
to find that smile
put my faith in another piece of good advice
well I tried that twice
waiting for, a little something more
to inspire, take me higher
and I"m ready to make someone mine
making my way through an open door
i've got some love and so much more
and I'll find her, 'cos it's about time
it's about time

time bomb

hmm... yup i finally woke up and found reallity and i don't like it... i'm running out of time, and i'm constantly thinking about stuff that i shoudn't be thinking and worrying gosh... and in a split second today, i was thinking of cutting myself, for an hour i was thinking of quiting school, and for 3 hrs i was constantly strugling trying to concentrate on doing my assignments. luckily my mom called and remind me of my long life dream, to worked overseas (outside ind and oz). gosh what a sweet dream, now i don't whether i could still have the strenght to keep reaching that dream. my mind is full of shecdules, deadlines, briefs... and no idea, yup none what so ever.

but i manage to stay calm for 4 hrs, worked on tiny winy bit of assignments, which only involve some mags, glue, double sided tape, and siccors. yep cut and paste took 4 hrs. and then..now i started panicking again... huah -_-.

grizzlie bear

yup, it's getting cold here in brisbane and for a 'tropical' person like me, it's getting uncomfortable too -_-. i'm no longer able to wake up early in the morning to do my assignments, unless i slept very early at night. i'm just like a bear in winter time, always sleeping -_-. it's such a waste of time, esp because a lot of assignments due

well, i shouldn't blame the wheather, i should've blame my self for not doing my assignments earlier this semester -_-...

the purple card in the middle of winter

heiho... finally... icf's 10th anniversary's over. i could rest from all of that arguements about such and such... well, i did my job, but because i'm such a moody person and because i can't really see in night time, so the photos i took turned out either blur or too dark (dunno why i don't like flash light.red).

oh and about that purple card... it's the highlights for this year i guess, at this time after what happened last year, this purple card means a lot to me. it's not the color or the picture, but it's what was written there:
'valcory,
hope we'll be friends forever... thank you for being a wonderful friend
v'

i just dunno how i should reply it... i couldn't say million words about how greatfull i am that you would still be my friends despite the rumours about me that has been spreading last year. honestly i am honored to be friends with you. ihope i could say this to her without sounding so cocky....-_-
oh valcory.... when can you be good with words, and just say what's in your heart with being 'canggung'...

tentang dia

today's entry pake bahasa indo ajah ya ._. (sedang susah berkata2 dng bahasa asing.red). hmm.. sebenarnya gue agak malu juga mengakuinya, tapi entah knp gue tiba2 kangen 'dia' yg dulu pernah ada di hati gue >_<. mungkin krn kmaren di melb gue banyak catching up and he's become part of me for a while, jadi gue jg ceritain ttg 'dia' ke helen. untuk beberapa lama gue emang nggak pernah nyinggung 'dia' karena gue masih ngerasa 'sakit' atas perbuatannya. tapi skg ketika rasa 'sakit' itu telah tiada, perasaan lain tiba2 saja muncul tak terduga, kangen. dan tiba2 juga lelaki berjari2 spt pisang susu itu lenyap dr pikiran gue, yg ada hanya 'dia'. and so... seperti yg selalu gue lakukan jika sdg penasaran...i did a tiny winy bit of 'research' and 'sneaking up' through his blogs. it turn out that he's a live and well (of course lah.red), moving on with his life, firlting with others ._. and i should do the same...

but his not the only one yg gue kangenin saat ini, gue jg pingin bgt ketemu doremi. sudah lama bgt kita nggak cerita2, udah lama bgt gue nggak denger org ngatain gue jayus dan diancam yg nggak2 hanya karena gue nggak pingin org lain tau nickname gue yg rada memalukan. udah lama nggak ada org yg manggil gue giegie. chancesnya kecil sih kalo doremi bakal baca blog ini, cuman gue pingin dia tau kalo cuman dia satu2nya temen gue yg tau nickname gue itu, and that means you are part of the family dore huhuhu >_<

hammer hall, arts center, melbourne

helo... i'm back in brissy. i like melbourne (despite the wheather), but brissy is still the palce where i called home >_<.

AGIdeas is so 'fun', i'm glad i went there. it's like a whole new world is opened up in front of my eyes.